Sunday -- not too bad

Another weekend gone.  Not as bad as most weekends are.  I got a little extra sleep, which is good, especially since I have a little bit of a bug.  But my blood sugar was high so I worried about that; nothing seems to bring it down.  I'm usually totally depressed on Sunday nights because of work tomorrow, but I'm having lunch tomorrow with a friend; looking forward to that, plus another lunch with a different friend later on.  A little nervous because I finally see my clinician this week; I need a script for my antianxiety meds, plus I need to try some kind of mild antidepressant or else towards Christmas I'll start trying again to calculate how many pills would be fatal.  "Holiday luncheon" this Friday at work; I'll probably buy a pie at grocery store, not sure how I'll get it to work but one problem at a time.  I hope I have enough money to buy whatever prescription the doctor gives, and I hope I can make it thru the holidays this year.  I'm glad I gave my gun away a few years back.  Not much hope in my life; from here on out it will get slowly worse until I either die of a heart attack or similar, or take things into my own hands and kill myself.  But not this week.  I just keep telling myself, not this week.  What scares me is that I don't say that because it sounds pathetic; it's just a fact of my life.  Urgh -- guess I'm more depressed than I thought I was.  As I always say at work, with a laugh, "I NEED DRUGS!"  But I really do.  I sure hope I can find some that will work. I also need to get up the courage to ask my clinician if I can switch.  She's really great, but she only works one day a week as an ARPN in a psychiatrist's office; the rest of the time she works as (I think) an educator at a hospital (she has a Ph.D. in ed as well as an ARNP and a mental health license).  Because she's only available one day a week it's hard for me to reach her if I'm in crisis, and our county's only crisis facilities are a tiny inpatient facility (which is always full) and the local ER -- not much.  If I could switch to the doctor, he's there 4 days a week.  But when I asked, one person on the phone said I could switch and another later said I couldn't.  I don't have the money to pay for another intake appointment, and the doc may be full up anyway.  Thank God for this website; I've never made strong connections here, just as I can't seem to make strong connections face to face, but at least people here will listen and they do understand.  God, I hate the holidays.