Sunday night
I'm scared tonight. Not really certain what is scaring me--I'm really nervous about something. I've been kind of snarky with people today. I called Brian earlier and he said he'd call me back in 10 mins. He did call back but it was over an hour later and I was kind of nasty about it. I apologized, and he let it go, but that's not me.... Same thing with a friend of mine--I sent her a long email this morning and I got a really short, terse one back. I typed back "Sorry if I'm interrupting you" and caught myself before I sent it. Very touchy today. I do get like that when I'm really anxious--but what am I so anxious about?
Maybe just having to live like this day by day and not knowing when or if it's going to get better? Logic tells me it will get better--every other hurt in my life became less and less painful over time, but this is a BIG one. When Leslie started with hospice I was talking to the social worker, and I said "This is going to be the worst thing that ever happens to me, isn't it?" And she said "Yes, it probably will."
I need to learn to pray again. There was a time I took comfort and solace in prayer. I find I can pray for other people, but not for me. I've taken comfort in other people telling me they are praying for me, for Leslie, for my family, but asking for the strength for myself to get through this--I can't seem to do it. The words just stick. I'm going to see the bereavement counselor tomorrow--I might ask if talking to the chaplain might help.
I don't know. I'm not myself. I don't know who I am. I just know I'm Leslie's mom and I couldn't save her.
Replies
I remember reading early on in one of my grief books that it may not get "better" yet it becomes "different," something that we each learn how to carry and to integrate in our own way.
When I asked my late mom who also lost her son, the eldest in our family, about praying she told me that she had an ongoing conversation with God and that she was needing to learn how to listen as well. In the early days she felt she had more of a monologue going and that was okay, yet later on it became a dialogue between the Divine and her. Seek out talking with anyone you get nudges about as we all need our tools. Some of mine are the same as they were that very "first" day of loss and others have changed over time.
None of us on FMO could save our children and we are this lifeboat together bailing out the water when it needs to be and remembering that if we could have as Linda always says, we would have moved heaven and earth to have done so.
Hoping you have your Sawyer reunion today and that it's a sweet one. I'm imagining all body parts wagging and a deep sense of your Leslie being in the midst.
Gentle care dear Leslie and so much understanding,
XO Joanie