Sunday Musings & Shifts
Just a couple of ideas and paradigm shifts to share since Friday, and relating to my last comments.
Friday I had an interesting shift in perspective about my "job"; when I first took it I thought I was going to be doing counseling, then it finally came through that my "job" was to help get people get rehabilitated from their mental disorders. Lately I have been feeling guilty when a client had difficulties and was still struggling with their disorder and progress; and it really bothered me. Friday I had a shift in my thinking in that I decided my "job", my responsibility, was not to help rehabilitate people, it was to "help them learn to rehabilitate themselves". That way of phrasing the description to myself changed the responsibility from ME, where it is impossible to change others, to THEM, and recognizing that it is their responsibility to learn how to take care of their disorder themselves, by getting the correct medication and taking as prescribed. That view changed how I will approach my work from now on. It sets a boundary for my powers and lessens my feelings of guilt for not being able to do the impossible: control other people's thoughts, desires, feelings, and behaviors. It helps them learn to be responsible for themselves and less dependent on their environment, and less of a victim. It encourages them to be confident in the control of their disorder, and relieves me of the projected pain of their choices, and what "I want for them in order to feel good about myself". {Remember, co-dependency is the dependency on the external world to make internal world changes, and it never works, The two are exclusively different things, like men and women, they're related, but clearly not the same "thing", that's why there are two different words for them. Our "identity" is an internal idea, it does not come from the outside and is not controlled by the outside, unless you falsely believe it to be.} The point being I need to get out of the habit of tying my happiness with myself being predicated by "conditions" outside of my control. Serenity Prayer; Right?
The next "shift" came this morning as I was resisting getting out of bed too early (and I'm glad I did because of it). Somehow, after what I wrote yesterday in my comment to Vicki, the meanderings of the concept of negative vs positive thinking came to mind, and connected with the above topic, "my job". It came to me that most of my life, my work, my jobs, have all been about being good enough, and avoiding pain. I mean it really struck me that the "avoiding pain" principle really is accepted as the general rule for my behaviors. Work, and otherwise. I ALWAYS seemed to believe that I MUST be very good at anything I do, I must always DO my best, and in fact, I must always do THE best. Why? You ask? So I wouldn't get punished! Punished, by WHOM? My parents? Teachers? Peers? That is a very good question. Guess what? Guess who it was: ME! NOT the listening ME, the constantly-talking-negative-fault-finding-perfectionistic-chattering-voice-in-my-head-ME! That's who I was afraid of being punished by; Mr. You're-never-good-enough threatening judging-voice, that's "Whom". The one I can't seem to ever get away from, because it's INSIDE, not outside, and I can never go anywhere without it. What I'm learning now is the question of "so why are you listening to that voice, if you don't have to?" Wha...wha....What do you mean? Do you mean to tell me that I can stop listening? Really?! This is possible?! [Ya' know, at this point I'm not really sure who I'm carrying on THIS conversation with, but it is giving me some positive insights for a change; FREEING-from-feeling-a-victim thoughts and feelings. Relief ideas!]
So here's the thing I felt is important, and another paradigm shift: All my life's previous work has seemed to have been to avoid punishment, not get rewards. Now THERE'S a REALLY strange idea for ME! REWARDS! I can do things for what it gets for ME???!!! Are you CRAZY?! Well................maybe; depends. On what? On the definition of crazy! Crazy is often colloquially described as: "doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results each time you do it." [By the way, it's also called being neurotic; where the solution you're using does not resolve the problem ,it avoids it. Avoiding a problem is not the same thing as solving, or resolving, it.] So now, instead of going to work in order to avoid punishment, or fearing to change my comfort-zone so I'll not suffer punishment, I will approach the work for the rewards it can get me. I'm wanting to play a different game now; a better game. A "business" game where what I do controls my rewards, not avoids my punishments. It goes back to "where am I focusing my attention?"; and in this case, the "I" is the listener part of my mind, that DOES have control of its attention when I use it consciously. I guess (?) I'm waking up?! Maybe. There are no doubt some 'kinks' to work out through practice, and some relapses to experience and overcome, but it is a MAJOR paradigm shift for MY mind: to look for the positive? To look for the rewards I want and can give myself? Yeahhhh...., that's pretty much it.
Now I'm not in the least suggesting that I can CONTROL the outcome of anything, but it does shift my attention from constantly avoiding pain to constantly shopping for rewards paid in happiness. To be honest, I've found it extremely difficult to find happiness and acceptance by avoiding pain all the time. And by-the-way, according to the Law of Attraction, if my attention is constantly focused on "avoiding pain" what in the hell do you suppose I was attracting? To attract happiness the focus must be on happiness, and acceptance; not the opposite.
Now I see a little bit better of how that principle works. Previously, my only reward was "I avoided punishment THIS time, but..."; now the focus will change, I will let go of my attention on the fearing, judging, hateful, scary-voice's comments. Now I'm learning I have the power to direct my attention, and what I tell my mind to do for me. There' been a power shift, an awakening.
The real fear of abandonment is not external, that's a projection of the true problem, the inner problem, of WHO is directing "MY" attention, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I've been abandoning MY-Self all this time. The real fear of abandonment is that I abandon my self by pretending "the Voice" is responsible for protecting me from pain, any pain. Now I'm learning to take responsibility for controlling and allocating my attention, becoming more conscious --- waking up, as the Buddha would teach.
I'll let my friends know about the results and any changes.
Keep in touch.
Rich....
I am grateful for my life, just as it is. I am grateful I am alive today, and breathing, and experiencing life as a human one more day. I am grateful for all my friends, here and everywhere. Am grateful for the rain and the sunshine, the air and everything else; the good, the bad, and the ugly. They are all part of the gift of being, of being able to experience life as a human. They are just events, "The Show". All of it is important to appreciate, without conditions or judgments. It really doesn't matter; the good stuff and the bad stuff, they're just 'stuff' that happens in the life we have. Enjoy the life I have, instead of avoiding the pain for the life I don't have. I am grateful for my ability to direct my attention better now.
Friday I had an interesting shift in perspective about my "job"; when I first took it I thought I was going to be doing counseling, then it finally came through that my "job" was to help get people get rehabilitated from their mental disorders. Lately I have been feeling guilty when a client had difficulties and was still struggling with their disorder and progress; and it really bothered me. Friday I had a shift in my thinking in that I decided my "job", my responsibility, was not to help rehabilitate people, it was to "help them learn to rehabilitate themselves". That way of phrasing the description to myself changed the responsibility from ME, where it is impossible to change others, to THEM, and recognizing that it is their responsibility to learn how to take care of their disorder themselves, by getting the correct medication and taking as prescribed. That view changed how I will approach my work from now on. It sets a boundary for my powers and lessens my feelings of guilt for not being able to do the impossible: control other people's thoughts, desires, feelings, and behaviors. It helps them learn to be responsible for themselves and less dependent on their environment, and less of a victim. It encourages them to be confident in the control of their disorder, and relieves me of the projected pain of their choices, and what "I want for them in order to feel good about myself". {Remember, co-dependency is the dependency on the external world to make internal world changes, and it never works, The two are exclusively different things, like men and women, they're related, but clearly not the same "thing", that's why there are two different words for them. Our "identity" is an internal idea, it does not come from the outside and is not controlled by the outside, unless you falsely believe it to be.} The point being I need to get out of the habit of tying my happiness with myself being predicated by "conditions" outside of my control. Serenity Prayer; Right?
The next "shift" came this morning as I was resisting getting out of bed too early (and I'm glad I did because of it). Somehow, after what I wrote yesterday in my comment to Vicki, the meanderings of the concept of negative vs positive thinking came to mind, and connected with the above topic, "my job". It came to me that most of my life, my work, my jobs, have all been about being good enough, and avoiding pain. I mean it really struck me that the "avoiding pain" principle really is accepted as the general rule for my behaviors. Work, and otherwise. I ALWAYS seemed to believe that I MUST be very good at anything I do, I must always DO my best, and in fact, I must always do THE best. Why? You ask? So I wouldn't get punished! Punished, by WHOM? My parents? Teachers? Peers? That is a very good question. Guess what? Guess who it was: ME! NOT the listening ME, the constantly-talking-negative-fault-finding-perfectionistic-chattering-voice-in-my-head-ME! That's who I was afraid of being punished by; Mr. You're-never-good-enough threatening judging-voice, that's "Whom". The one I can't seem to ever get away from, because it's INSIDE, not outside, and I can never go anywhere without it. What I'm learning now is the question of "so why are you listening to that voice, if you don't have to?" Wha...wha....What do you mean? Do you mean to tell me that I can stop listening? Really?! This is possible?! [Ya' know, at this point I'm not really sure who I'm carrying on THIS conversation with, but it is giving me some positive insights for a change; FREEING-from-feeling-a-victim thoughts and feelings. Relief ideas!]
So here's the thing I felt is important, and another paradigm shift: All my life's previous work has seemed to have been to avoid punishment, not get rewards. Now THERE'S a REALLY strange idea for ME! REWARDS! I can do things for what it gets for ME???!!! Are you CRAZY?! Well................maybe; depends. On what? On the definition of crazy! Crazy is often colloquially described as: "doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results each time you do it." [By the way, it's also called being neurotic; where the solution you're using does not resolve the problem ,it avoids it. Avoiding a problem is not the same thing as solving, or resolving, it.] So now, instead of going to work in order to avoid punishment, or fearing to change my comfort-zone so I'll not suffer punishment, I will approach the work for the rewards it can get me. I'm wanting to play a different game now; a better game. A "business" game where what I do controls my rewards, not avoids my punishments. It goes back to "where am I focusing my attention?"; and in this case, the "I" is the listener part of my mind, that DOES have control of its attention when I use it consciously. I guess (?) I'm waking up?! Maybe. There are no doubt some 'kinks' to work out through practice, and some relapses to experience and overcome, but it is a MAJOR paradigm shift for MY mind: to look for the positive? To look for the rewards I want and can give myself? Yeahhhh...., that's pretty much it.
Now I'm not in the least suggesting that I can CONTROL the outcome of anything, but it does shift my attention from constantly avoiding pain to constantly shopping for rewards paid in happiness. To be honest, I've found it extremely difficult to find happiness and acceptance by avoiding pain all the time. And by-the-way, according to the Law of Attraction, if my attention is constantly focused on "avoiding pain" what in the hell do you suppose I was attracting? To attract happiness the focus must be on happiness, and acceptance; not the opposite.
Now I see a little bit better of how that principle works. Previously, my only reward was "I avoided punishment THIS time, but..."; now the focus will change, I will let go of my attention on the fearing, judging, hateful, scary-voice's comments. Now I'm learning I have the power to direct my attention, and what I tell my mind to do for me. There' been a power shift, an awakening.
The real fear of abandonment is not external, that's a projection of the true problem, the inner problem, of WHO is directing "MY" attention, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I've been abandoning MY-Self all this time. The real fear of abandonment is that I abandon my self by pretending "the Voice" is responsible for protecting me from pain, any pain. Now I'm learning to take responsibility for controlling and allocating my attention, becoming more conscious --- waking up, as the Buddha would teach.
I'll let my friends know about the results and any changes.
Keep in touch.
Rich....
I am grateful for my life, just as it is. I am grateful I am alive today, and breathing, and experiencing life as a human one more day. I am grateful for all my friends, here and everywhere. Am grateful for the rain and the sunshine, the air and everything else; the good, the bad, and the ugly. They are all part of the gift of being, of being able to experience life as a human. They are just events, "The Show". All of it is important to appreciate, without conditions or judgments. It really doesn't matter; the good stuff and the bad stuff, they're just 'stuff' that happens in the life we have. Enjoy the life I have, instead of avoiding the pain for the life I don't have. I am grateful for my ability to direct my attention better now.
Replies
Hi Rich,
Wow, I so often relate to your postings or feel that we are often in a similar place in recovery. The paradigm shifts and the avoidance of punishment are particular areas that I am also becoming more aware of (okay, dangling participle there, but that is how I talk sometimes, lol).
Hugs,
Shar