sunday in the hotel
I just arrived to Chattanooga, after a 4 hour drive. I feel very anxious. I wanted to stop on the way and take my 25mg Seroquel, but I was afraid it would make me sleepy. Dr. Williams gave those to me for the express purpose of taking them during the day, but since I haven't yet, I was a little apprehensive.I ate a lot today. My meds have increased my appetite a bit, and my anxiety keeps me wanting to eat. It doesn't make the anxiety go away, well, only when I am chewing. I need to find a better way of channelling it. I also bit my nails.I am feeling so disgusted with the way I look, physically. If I gain weight, everything just gets worse. It makes me feel suicidal. If I ever weigh over 130, I might...I don't even want to think about it.The meds have given me horrible acne, and the retin-A is making it worse before it can get better. I think it basically peels off the bad skin, to reveal good skin underneath. (Also thinning the skin, so you can't get the "deep breakouts.")My hair has faded from bright red (clowny and bad) to medium pink (clowny, bad, and like a messy hippie.)I am working a job fair tomorrow, and all of the above makes me feel less than confident that I will make a good professional impression to anyone.I feel like a slob.I need to stop buying shitty clothes from Target, and save up for the nice ones.I want to purge my belongings of anything I don't really need. I am so sick of everything. On the way here I was ruminating about my life. Too many overwhelming thoughts. I feel so frozen. How do other people do it? I don't have any friends where I live. I don't have time to go to therapy. I was doing ok for that month in the outpatient treatment. Then, I had to go back to work. The support disappeared. Online is all I have. And, that isn't real. I am falling apart, and that was my chance for getting everything in line.I need to just go to sleep now.Pray that I will feel better in the morning. I just have to.I need to be upright and faking it once again.Goodnight for now.
Replies
Ouch honey, you do sound like you are in misery. The acne sounds painful and miserable. I hope with the med changes you can recover completely. I had no idea Lamicatal could do that. Be careful regarding the Accutane. It\'s not just depression that is causes, but also suicidal thoughts and actions. Not good a good combo for a bipolar gal that is already down.
I am a chewer and very oral too when anxious. I chew gum to help with this. I try not to do it too much in front of others, but it does help me. I keep a nail file with me all the time and file instead of biting nails. That seems to help the urge to nibble. It is very important for me to have presentable hands for my work and my nails are already weak and thin from meds.
I hope this doesn\'t gross you out, but I buy a lot of clothes from thrift stores. I find some really nice professional clothes, often designer or very well made for little money. I won\'t buy them unless they look new. I had to replace my entire wardrobe when I lost weight this year. If you can find a \"good\" thrift store, you will keep coming back (some get clothes from better donation sources than others) You may not find every single item you need there, but chances are you can find some things to build around.
Take care and I hope things get better for you soon. ((hugs))