sunday in the hotel

I just arrived to Chattanooga, after a 4 hour drive. I feel very anxious. I wanted to stop on the way and take my 25mg Seroquel, but I was afraid it would make me sleepy. Dr. Williams gave those to me for the express purpose of taking them during the day, but since I haven't yet, I was a little apprehensive.I ate a lot today. My meds have increased my appetite a bit, and my anxiety keeps me wanting to eat. It doesn't make the anxiety go away, well, only when I am chewing. I need to find a better way of channelling it. I also bit my nails.I am feeling so disgusted with the way I look, physically. If I gain weight, everything just gets worse. It makes me feel suicidal. If I ever weigh over 130, I might...I don't even want to think about it.The meds have given me horrible acne, and the retin-A is making it worse before it can get better. I think it basically peels off the bad skin, to reveal good skin underneath. (Also thinning the skin, so you can't get the "deep breakouts.")My hair has faded from bright red (clowny and bad) to medium pink (clowny, bad, and like a messy hippie.)I am working a job fair tomorrow, and all of the above makes me feel less than confident that I will make a good professional impression to anyone.I feel like a slob.I need to stop buying shitty clothes from Target, and save up for the nice ones.I want to purge my belongings of anything I don't really need. I am so sick of everything. On the way here I was ruminating about my life. Too many overwhelming thoughts. I feel so frozen. How do other people do it? I don't have any friends where I live. I don't have time to go to therapy. I was doing ok for that month in the outpatient treatment. Then, I had to go back to work. The support disappeared. Online is all I have. And, that isn't real. I am falling apart, and that was my chance for getting everything in line.I need to just go to sleep now.Pray that I will feel better in the morning. I just have to.I need to be upright and faking it once again.Goodnight for now.