Sunday eve
Hello - it's Sunday eve and I'm wishing I was not going to work tomorrow...Saturday morning is still the worst time for me - As I've said before, I would talk to my mom every sat morning so sometimes I wake up on Sat morning and the ache to talk to my mom just sets me off. I began crying so I decided I would get busy because I feel like I just sit, sometimes, paralyzed doing nothing.....I started going through boxes and came across more journals my daughter wrote and of course, began reading some....here we go again - it was a bad time for my daughter back in 2009 and I was not her favorite person...reading it in black and white how she did not want me in her life, how I was not the mom she wanted or needed, then I quit reading....tears and then more tears...even though we had talked about things and I apologized, spent the rest of my daughter's time trying to understand, be accountable for things that maybe my daughter perceived hurt her.....SIGH......Wish I was able to talk with her....feel like the worst mom ever...so many regrets.....did I love her enough? why did I do this? or that? well that was my Sat. morning - Jim wanted me to get out of the house, so we went to a Olive, cheese, and wine festival about 10 miles from where we live - sitting outside with a glass of wine, cheese platter, good music, helped me to relax and be thankful. Today I went to church and wanted to see Hunter but that didn't work out - they were busy so I read, enjoyed the cooler weather and here I am, gettng ready for tomorrow....
Thanks again for sharing about the retreat...I love it. Sending much love and hugs )))) Vicki
Thanks again for sharing about the retreat...I love it. Sending much love and hugs )))) Vicki
Replies
I am sorry for the emptiness that echoes for you..I would try and busy myself as well. I am afraid my replacement therapy on Saturday mornings would be yard sales.... Sigh... I am thankful for Jim talking you into a nice diversion. Lauri
Oh Vicki. I am so sorry - I understand the pain and guilt you were feeling. Gina Churchwell shared a reading called \"You are the Mother of All Mothers\". If you haven\'t read it, please do. I think she posted it on about Oct 14. We were in tears when she read it aloud at the retreat.
I am glad your husband got you out of the house, and the Olive Cheese and Wine festival sounds perfect. It is my kind of festival!! Going out is the last thing you want to do when you are so down, but it is often the best thing!
I hear you about wanting to talk to Jennifer. Lisa lived 5 hours by plane away. We talked on the phone every day. Joe and I would laugh at dinner because Lisa often interrupted our meal! I still think of her, and my heart goes flip flop when the phone rings during dinner. Now it is telemarketers!
Wishing you a peaceful week.
Love and tight hugs, M
I hear you. The emptiness and pain can be overwhelming without our children. I did a lot of sitting and doing nothing. I guess it was what I needed to do at the time. I think your daughter now knows how much you loved her and how much you tried to be a good mom. I am glad you were able to get out to the festival and to go to church on Sunday. Diversions can be a good thing! Sending you love and prayers for continued healing, Leda
The forgiveness piece (peace) that we must offer ourselves is one that I always pray about. To lose a child feels like the most empathic failure ever for a mother and when it\'s a suicide, an overdose, no matter what others say it comes with extra baggage that says, \"You suck as a mother.\" There is no other way around it for me, but through it and that poem that Gina posted and read has been a saving grace for me. In fact, I sent it to my sister and she wrote me back that she could not believe the courage it must take to awaken to each day without Douglas in it. That is truly the first time that she has ever even been able to say something like that to me in seven plus years. Deepest of sighs...
In moments such as this we get to choose how long we stay \"there\" and your outing felt perfect. I get outside and get moving when I feel those dark, tanking feelings and acknowledge them, yet cannot stay \"there\" for long as they serve nothing. I have to believe that our children know that we did our best with what we knew at the time and the last thing they would want is for us to take ourselves out behind the wood shed for repeated floggings. This is our work, now, isn\'t it...
Hoping today and this week is gentle on that loving heart of yours and please know that you are not alone in any of these feelings. I\'m right there with you.
Much love,
XO Joanie
Wow...I totally understand...Sundays are the \"bad\" day for me, as it was a Sunday when we lost Cassi. I too have read through some old texts and e-mails that hurt my feelings. If I were to leave this life tomorrow I would not want people knowing some of my deepest thoughts about them during hard times. Just like the other day I was ready to leave my husband...but it passed. What I am trying to say is we all have harsh thoughts about our loved ones from time to time...they pass and we would not want them to know about them. I am going to give you advice that has been given to me and I never listen to...but I will pass it along anyway...On those days you are feeling particularly sad, down, or worse, it probably isn\'t the best time to pull out old pictures, journals, etc., and go for a walk down memory lane...because the memories we find will hurt. Your man sounds awesome.
My heart just breaks as I read your journal. I agree with Cassi\'s Mom saying that on those days when we are feeling so bad it is not a good time to pull out pictures and etc...I still can\'t go thru pictures of my Jeff without just going to the floor and weeping. Hoping for you some peace...Love and hugs, Nell
I\'m totally unable still to look at pics & other \'memorabilia\'. I don\'t even want to go there! It would just make me more emotional than I already am so I\'m finding out it\'s best to leave well enough alone-- for me anyway!Much love,
Donna