Sunday- Bad day

Sleepy when I awakened this morning. Beautiful day filled with many plans. Received a lovely card from Frankie- I think we might be the same person. Someday I will meet her. I have really failed at writing everyone- but I just don't have enough hours in a day, nor do i really want to. Sounds very selfish, I know. Sitting outside on a bench in downtown Bethesda waiting for mom and dad to go have breakfast. Beautiful day. A little overcast. Slight breeze. A lot of people Families, kids, couples. Drinking coffee, chatting, walking through the farmers' market. Wish I could be as carefree and happy as all of them. Someday I hope I will, just not today. As I sit here i wonder what Joanna is doing right now. I wonder what her life is like. How does she enjoy her weekends? What do other people do on weekends? All I know is what my parents, Carlos and I do. Parents always have chores and work in the hard. Carlos works. I clean, cook, do anything to keep myself busy. But what do normal people do? Do some people relax? As I sit here longer I start to get more sad and alone. My mind wonders what I am going to have for breakfast. How am I going to decide what is the healthiest? Where other people going to think? Are people thinking as I sit here writing in here with markers? They are probably wondering what kind of psycho I am. What am I going to do the rest of today? I keep writing lists over and over again. It's a compulsion. Then a slight satisfaction when I cross it off- yet I typically find something else to add on. It's anxiety provoking. I feel like I have so much to always do. I bet everyone thinks that i just sit on my fast ass all day and do nothing because I don't have a job and am not in school. Pisses the shit out of me. Fuck you who think that. No one knows how difficult shit is for me. I guarantee no one would be able to spend more than 24 hours in my shoes. If you think you can- good luck, I'd like to see it!! 5pm... I feel as though I am crying at every little thing again. My Iphone wasn't connecting to my computer, I cried. I can't find a CPR class for school, I cried. Maybe I should of gone to my parent's house for dinner, but I know they would of made me eat a lot and there is nothing to do over there. I need help to fight my ticket from last weekend. I don't want to fill out this fucking coaches' evaluation. I can't, it's too hard. I don't want to do anything but at the same time I know I need to to clear my head. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I hate myself. My life sucks. I just want to be fucking happy for once I want to email Joanna but I know that I would just be pestering her. Plus I know I will want a response and she won't give me one. I have no desires. I feel so hopeless. My classes start on tuesday and I am freaking the fuck out. I have a lot of dog walks back to back on a daily basis, then straight to appointments (literally with 2 minutes to spare), then a 2 hour break and class. And that's just the one class- I also signed up for an online Pharmocology class. I really want to take it but now that I am freaking out about classes, I am scared. I think I am going to have to drop it. Life sucks.