Sunday 9th May lecture
So last Sunday night having had a miserable couple of days (why does it have to happen on weekends when I really need to unwind from work and have a break, and instead end up even more of a mess come Monday), he came into the bedroom after we put our daughter down for a nap. He shut the door behind him, flicked open his switchblade (not a small one) and tossed it on the bed. And he says "now we can either do this the hard way or the easy way. The easy way is for you to grab that knife and shove it into my stomach, and you better make sure you do a really good job, or the hard way, you better answer my questions honestly because if you don’t, I'm going to smash you so hard there will be a hole in the wall."
Hmmmm, ok. two choices. At the time my heart was going so fast I thought it would burst. I couldn't cry because he gets upset when I cry because "its all croc tears". I can't panic, that will set him off. I stand my ground and say "how can I answer you honestly. You already have the answer you want to hear and what if I don't give you that answer". "oh I'll know" he says. I guess he says that because he thinks he has got me with his threats, which he repeats again. He's standing on the other side of the bed but I can see the crazed look on his face. And I even start to wonder how much damage I will sustain. WTF am I thinking.
The question is the usual in this situation "why did you marry me". We've been married 4 turbulent years and its because I am not the same person he married. no kidding. how can I be, when I have to do everything his way, when he wants, how he wants, and to agree with all his opinions (mine are wrong unless they match his). But I dare not say that. Right in that moment its survival.
So I start talking and I do what I normally do, where I say how wrong I am, how bad I am, how I have been influenced by family and friends . This usually allows him to move his focus onto my family and friends and we can "agree how bad they are". He goes on how bad they are, how he should just deal to my family now for what they have done. Um actually they haven't done anything but you have stewed and fixated on them enough to convince yourself they are a problem.
I am rambling on about how everyone is unfair, I am doing what ever I can to defuse the situation. Eventually an hour later, he puts the knife away but he's still revved up. Why should he give me yet another chance as I have been given countless chances before but still it comes down to me not caring about this relationship, me not wanting this family, me not listening to him. Me, me, me. All me at fault. He just can't take much more of this pressure and stress that I put him through. The knife gets put away and we move out to the lounge so he can go outside and have a smoke. another hour later he is still ranting on. Its almost like trying to ensure I am convinced that he is right and everyone else is wrong. I am so wore out, the weekend has been stressful, I haven't slept much and its now close to 11pm. I agree with all his comments, I want this to work, etc. 11:30 its wound down, he's taken his weed so he's more subdued. So I say I have to go to bed as I get up at 5. Don’t know why I bothered, as I didn't sleep much.
Oh yeah, the answer this time was 'I married him for the convenience". Wow, I had no idea.
And on the Monday I had the sweetest calls from him during the day while I was at work. Like everything is all great and dandy. Guess he felt he got thru to me.
Hmmmm, ok. two choices. At the time my heart was going so fast I thought it would burst. I couldn't cry because he gets upset when I cry because "its all croc tears". I can't panic, that will set him off. I stand my ground and say "how can I answer you honestly. You already have the answer you want to hear and what if I don't give you that answer". "oh I'll know" he says. I guess he says that because he thinks he has got me with his threats, which he repeats again. He's standing on the other side of the bed but I can see the crazed look on his face. And I even start to wonder how much damage I will sustain. WTF am I thinking.
The question is the usual in this situation "why did you marry me". We've been married 4 turbulent years and its because I am not the same person he married. no kidding. how can I be, when I have to do everything his way, when he wants, how he wants, and to agree with all his opinions (mine are wrong unless they match his). But I dare not say that. Right in that moment its survival.
So I start talking and I do what I normally do, where I say how wrong I am, how bad I am, how I have been influenced by family and friends . This usually allows him to move his focus onto my family and friends and we can "agree how bad they are". He goes on how bad they are, how he should just deal to my family now for what they have done. Um actually they haven't done anything but you have stewed and fixated on them enough to convince yourself they are a problem.
I am rambling on about how everyone is unfair, I am doing what ever I can to defuse the situation. Eventually an hour later, he puts the knife away but he's still revved up. Why should he give me yet another chance as I have been given countless chances before but still it comes down to me not caring about this relationship, me not wanting this family, me not listening to him. Me, me, me. All me at fault. He just can't take much more of this pressure and stress that I put him through. The knife gets put away and we move out to the lounge so he can go outside and have a smoke. another hour later he is still ranting on. Its almost like trying to ensure I am convinced that he is right and everyone else is wrong. I am so wore out, the weekend has been stressful, I haven't slept much and its now close to 11pm. I agree with all his comments, I want this to work, etc. 11:30 its wound down, he's taken his weed so he's more subdued. So I say I have to go to bed as I get up at 5. Don’t know why I bothered, as I didn't sleep much.
Oh yeah, the answer this time was 'I married him for the convenience". Wow, I had no idea.
And on the Monday I had the sweetest calls from him during the day while I was at work. Like everything is all great and dandy. Guess he felt he got thru to me.
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