Summer is almost over...

I never know where to start when I write a journal. Right now it is Saturday morning and I'm sitting in my favourite chair in my living room with my cat curled up beside me, the sun streaming in, the kids are away with their dad so the house is quiet. It is a pretty good summary of my life most days - lovely in most ways ... But lonely and a bit empty.

My kids were with their dad at my sister-in-laws wedding this past week. I was a bit sad to miss it - of couse, attending was not an option even though she would have had me. I've known her since she was 10 years old. She has had a tough time of it but now, at 38, she has a job she loves, a great husband and she seems to have grown into her own skin - if you know what l mean. I wish I could have been part of it. I was a bit. Back in June my MIL and SIL come here and we went shopping with the girls for bridesmaid dresses. We had a great time .. And it was very emotional. We are all acutely aware of how our family was wrenched apart. There were discreet tears from all of us. So very obvious why I can't be at the wedding. I told my SIL that, after the wedding, we'll make a date and she can't ale me thru the pics and tell me all about it. I'm not sure if it will happen ... But I'd wish her all my love. 

I am. "No contact" ninja. Even though I see him regularly, we do not talk, I look thru him, I ask no questions. It works for me. My kids say nothing about their time with dad.  I know they spend time with the OW but they say very little. Near the beginning of the summer A friend of mine told me that he had broken up with the other woman.  I don't know if it's true. I guess I'm a little bit curious. Curious to know if it's true. Curious to know why.  I have absolutely no information but my gut tells me she left him. Which perversely makes me feel a bit sad for myself. Sad in the sense that I should've demanded more from my relationship with him  but I didn't. I should've left. I'll never know why "good enough "was acceptable to me. if I ever do you have another relationship, I have learned a lot.

 I'm getting my kitchen renovated this fall. I will have to move out the middle of September for at least five weeks. I'm nervous of making all the choices on my own. I'm nervous I won't like it. It's a lot of money. And  it is going to be a stressful fall not being in the house. I have to pack everything up there so much to do and it's hard to find the energy to do it all. But I am so excited about having a new space of course my kids are excited for a new space but they're sad that the old one Will go. They don't like change. They never did like change and the separation just reinforced that so I know we will all have a pretty stressful fall. But there is so much good at the end of it I hope.

 My kids are doing well I think I have two girls my oldest just turned 12 and the youngest is nine. Both of them are so quiet they say so little. But I know they get stressed out when they go to their dads. Not because they don't love him but because this is their home this is their house and they hate to leave it. It breaks my heart but they seem happy  and well-adjusted otherwise. Sometimes I get worried because they say so little to me about their fears about their hopes. I got my 12-year-old a phone for her birthday in August and I'm finding she text me more than she would say to me. I love it. so maybe this is an outlet for her to tell me when she needs to tell me things.

  My life right now is work and kids. There is no balance. I need to find a way to have a life interest outside of work and kids. But it's hard. It's hard to find the time it's hard to find the energy. I have been better at scheduling time with friends when the kids aren't here so that I'm not alone  for full weekends. That is been good. But I can certainly do better. I also try to just give myself a break. I can't do it all. I think I find the summers hard because my kids are away so much. Through the year they are with me almost every day and I just don't have them every other Saturday. So I certainly find myself at loose ends in the summer. It reminds me that I can't rely on my children for companionship. I need my own place my own friends my own life. And that's so hard. But I'm working on it.

 Work is all right. I've been in this job three years in December. It coincides quite closely with my separation. I took the job in December 2013 and my marriage started spiraling out of control shortly after. My husband I've been having emotional affair for four years so it's not as if the job change was the first trigger. But I think seeing me get a promotion and move on clarified for him that he wanted to move on and do something. It would've been nice if he had changed his job as opposed to having an affair but whatever. So I'm coming up to the end of three years at this new workplace. Recently I got a job offer  from my old employer and I took it. The paperwork is still in process and when it is done, I will inform my boss. This was a very hard decision. I love who I work with I love what I'm doing. But there are frustrations of coarse like they're always are. And like there will be in my new job. This was largely a choice about the future. My current  firm is very small. There's not a lot of places to go. It's a great place for up to five years but after that there's nowhere to go. My old employer (now future) employer is a very large well-known institution and it has huge scope for the future. So this was a play for security.  It will be so hard to tell everybody where I am right now. My boss is going to be quite put out. But the reality is someone was going to be put out. My old boss desperately wanted me back and I respect her immensely. So it was either she being disappointed or my current boss be disappointed. And I can't  Live my life doing things because other people will be disappointed. That being said - damn I am not looking forward to telling my boss. If the paperwork comes through Monday, I'll tell him Monday. We've got a three day executive retreat next week. we go away to the middle of nowhere to this farm to do strategic planning and organizational structure. I would like to tell him before the retreat so that we can plan for my departure. I would like to stay till End of year. So I've got lots of time to plan. I dread telling everyone. this week is going to suck.

 But once I'm through that, I can be truly excited about my next job which I do think will be wonderful and a great opportunity. I told my kids. Their only question was this - will I have to travel more or less.? I said less, they were thrilled.

So there's a busy fall ahead. Camping in a friends basement while my renovation happens. Frantically trying to tie up loose ends at my current job while looking forward to a new job. And trying to find my own life.

 So all in all things are good and yet every day I still live with that feeling of ... oh I don't know disbelief, loneliness. Things are still flat. My energy is low.  So good… But I'm still not myself again. It's such a long journey. But maybe life is just a long journey.

Now to go and do some packing.