** Suicide Watch **

I don't know what happened. It was just totally outside my understanding. I will try to discribe it at a later time.  

I don't exist anymore.  I refer to myself, inside my brain as "King of the Walking Dead" but not related to that idiot tv series, that is just how I feel.  I am dead inside.  The only true emotion which is alive is depression...severe depression. I have never been this bad before.  It seems to all be based on...hell...I can't explain it because I don't understand it.

Right now I am doing what my dad called, "White knuckling" it.  There is no happiness in my life.  There is nothing in my life.

Though I sort of have family around me, my oldest refuses to understand the cause of this, she thinks I am crazy, she thinks I am defending my wife, she doesn't understand she isn't and wasn't my wife.  After at least three months (out of probably six), living with the one I dubbed Vihane, she was so angry and hateful---she got rid of me, well a combination of real-me and, well, here we go, I feel I need to explain, but I won't, not right now.  There was the real-me, who I am as I exist in this reality, then there's the "other-me", the one who exists in what she called "the other place"---it's like a mirror-world, existing together at the same time.  Lord I wish I could explain it but since I wasn't inside her head, I really don't know how she saw it.

I'm going to skip a lot, get to the point, for today.

Since June 22,2019, when I was done away with by Vihane...I have been totally miserable. Life is just so f'n empty. I am a "ghost" if you will.  I don't exist.  I used to think my wife and I just "survived" life for the last three years, since we were homeless (will explain later).  But now?  Those last three years of "surviving" was just a suberb of hell---I am in hell.

It's a day-to-day thing now.  I've never been severely depressed.  You call this life? I call it fucking hell.

Do I want to die?  Fuck yes.