Suicide
I was at lunch last week with a friend, a grieving mom, who lost her son to suicide, same as I lost Cassi. She said something that I thought of so many times but never said in case it hurt the feelings of another grieving mom...but to us, it's our truth and how we feel. Losing a child to suicide is different than losing a child in any other way. I'm sorry if this offends anyone...but if you lost your child ina car crash, an accident, an overdose, even a murder...our children were in so much pain they CHOSE to die. Plain and simple. They chose it, knowing what it would do to us, yet being so far gone in their pain, it wasn't enough to keep them going.
There is also another issue. IN discussions with other mothers of suicide victims, there is a very high rate of the mother attempting, and sometimes succeeding in suicide as well. I can honestly say, as much pain as I have been in/am still in, I have not attempted suicide. I have wanted to, planned to, worked out the options, but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it...and I have been in pain ya'll. The fact that my daughter lived with so much pain for so many years before she finally gave in and accomplished it...well, that makes her one of the bravest people I have ever known, or known of.
The 3rd anniversary of her death is near, February 2. There is not a damn thing I can do about it.
The "procedure" I am having, the second week of February, is a facelift. I didn't want to admit to it, due to the vanity or insecurity or whatever the hell it is that makes me want to do it. I already paid for it, there is no backing out, not that I want to anyway. I decided, that since I lost my only child, will never have grandchildren, I will put off looking like a grandmother as long as possible. Maybe it will make me feel better. If it doesn't, at least I tried...something. Maybe, just maybe, something about it, the physical pain, the change i appearance, will distract me just a bit from what time of the year it is. Probably not. But that is the reason I have been putting off starting to volunteer at wherever I decide to volunteer. No reason to start when I will be out for the surgery and however much time the recovery takes.
I feel like this is my last chance guys...my hope is that I will look better and feel better, find fulfilling volunteer work, and maybe turn a corner...again!!! Otherwise, damnit, I am tired of trying.
Replies
I'm with you Gina, everything you say resonates with me. Suicide loss of a child is so very very different and the least understood, I can vouch for that. Dying in a violent way adds to the trauma too. Much love, Sue.
Yes, the only part I can relate to is the loss of a child. I wanted to learn more when my friends 27 year-old son took his own life. I turned to Amazon to look for a book and found one that helped me understand more about suicide. "Dying To Be Free" gave me insight that I never understood. While I never felt it was "selfish", I am able to respond to others explaining how the mind works of one who takes their own life. God Bless you and God Bless Us All.....
I am so very sorry your beautiful daughter felt there was no way out...if only our children would talk to us. Ken died of cancer and yes it is different, yet in some ways I don't know why he didn't do the necessary things that would keep him alive longer for a possible treatment would be found. In a since, I felt he decided not to take the extra treatments available at the time. I don't know if he would have survived longer or not. I too have been there thinking, just take my own life, yet like you, I decided no. Going though cancer with my first husband too, I finally went to our college counselor. I felt I was going to explode. Trying to keep peace between him and the kids so when he did die they would not feel guilty (by the way, he lived, was to die in 6 months that too I have a problem with why did he live which he ended up in Prison for terrible actions, and my son didn't live. I have no answer. I have known people who tried several time to commit suicide. after several attempts of failure one decided she wanted to live. Whether or not that is true I can't say, as a few days after getting out of the hospital from an attempt, she was cleaning her bathtub, had used bleach, tripped fell into the tub and the bleach killed her. So I don't know about death, I try to understand why some and then why some not. Each of us have our own demons on how our children passed. What I learned from the counselor was....We have a a tolerance level, which when I went running to him, I would say just put my head back on my shoulders. The tolerance level we have, our thinking once it has hit the top just can't handle any more, we do something to bring the level back down...One instance I had was a teacher calling about my youngest son, I wanted to scream at her IT"S YOUR JOB, take care of it....The other was my #2 son wanted to talk one Sunday morning, #3 son was arguing with his dad, me trying to do the dishes..My counselor told me when you reach that point, the tolerance level is at the top, try to think of something funny...just do something that will release that pressure. I went and took a shower, thought of funny thing that happened on a vacation one year, and stood in the shower laughing my head off. The pressure went down, I was able to continue what I needed to to...Of course when we lose our child even 7 years for me it's hard to find something funny....I think..but I think that is maybe what happens to people when they decide to end their life. The pressure for them has exceeded what they can handle and they feel the only way out is suicide. I am not sure children even older ones even at my age think of death as it's final...Teen's, kids, adults are just looking for a way to stop what has been building and feel, if I can just stop this it will be okay. Once someone gets to that point things happen. Yes it is different in that, I know what took my son's life, the cancer, but I too don't know why he did not fight harder...why did he not want to do the things that would extend his life...In a sense even if we know, no matter how our child died, there are those questions ....One things and I have not talked to many that their children have used sucide but we mom's no matter how our child died, the pain is the same, having this group has been a lifesaver for me. We all hurt and feel the pain of our loss, yet I agree, the way one losses a child is different for each. Yet we have each other to hold one too....Thank you for sharing, GREAT your doing the facelift, wish I had the money and the not scared to do attitude..Looking forward to your new look...Hope it is everything you wish for as us mom's sure deserve that, don't we.
Good for you to do something that will bring you pleasure. We each need to find what that is and for me a ninety minute deep tissue massage monthly keeps me going. In fact, I just had one yesterday and always sleep so well afterwards. I wish you the best with your procedure.
I have always felt in my heart that the pain just becomes too great to live on this earth for those who take their lives. I always wish that right before that "moment" that somehow someone could know and lend a hand and a heart. It is an acute sorrow that parents carry who have lost their children in this way feel and I'm grateful that we can all hold one another here no matter how our children left their physical bodies.
Gentle care and the most heartfelt of hugs as your tender day approaches in Feb. You are not alone, Gina and how you feel matters as do YOU.
XO Joanie
I think the face lift is a grand idea. It is time to take care of you. I know it will not take away the pain of loss, I do believe we need to do everything we can for us (the living). You journal and you are fighting to survive the loss of Cassie, that is all we can do. You have all of us to hold onto.
Tight Hugs
Penny
Hi Gina, I do not find it offensive at all that you feel your child's dying by suicide is different. It has got to be another level/layer of pain that I can only imagine. I am so sorry.
May your surgery go well and make you feel good. Much love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda ♡
I don't think anyone has the right to judge. If you feel a facelift will help you to feel better, then go for it.
I have 2 children who struggle with depression. Lisa died in surgery. She was suicidal in high school. I was terrified that she would succeed. I was lucky to have her until she was 37. I do feel that it is different. However, I recall a counselor who chastised me for negating my pain because the person I was with had survived so much more trauma. Pain is subjective. Having said that, I cannot imagine how painful it is to lose a child to suicide.
The positive is that we have one another. Our lived experiences are different but we will always have one thing in common. We are living every day without our precious children.
Tight hugs Gina. Looking forward to seeing your new face!!
Gina, I hope this new journey will be one of help. The pain we feel may be somewhat different yet the end result is the same for all of us in this group. We all have to cope in the best way we can. I realize that your loss is so very hard and I am wishing you some peace. Hugs, Kathy