Suicide

I have often wondered why it is considered humane to kill animals who are suffering, but tremendous effort is spent to keep suffering humans alive. This is done supposedly because there is a chance of the human improving. Actually it's done even when all involved Know the human will continue to suffer. Either way it makes no sense to me. I wish there was a clinic I could go to, lay down on a bed and have a caring person smile soothingly as they put a needle in my arm to end my suffering for good. I have found that suicide is a very difficult thing to do. Hope is a difficult thing to really let go of. And yet clinging to it day after day, while suffering the disappointment of having hope crushed over and over is excruciating. I need a caregiver who loves me living with me and taking care of me. It's all I've ever needed. I was told medication would make things better. But all meds do is just what they were designed to do. Medicate. I no longer have manic episodes. I can't even cry. And every day is as hellish as the one before it. Meds don't substitute for what I really need. I have friends to vent to, kind caring understanding friends. And they know they can't substitute for what I really need either. I need a caregiver who loves me living with me. It's all I ever needed. And hope is so hard to let go of. I've been waiting for what I need for almost 50 years. 50 long years, each one filled with hundreds of days in which I had to go without what I need. It has to end some time. I have to find the guts somehow to end the suffering. I have to love myself enough to end the misery. Do the humane thing.