Such a weird day
Today has been so weird, like I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I know my nerves are acting up because of the job I am starting next Tuesday...the woman who hired me asked when I would be available and I said immediately...now I am second guessing myself...should I have said 2 weeks??? To better prepare myself mentally??? Or would that just be 2 more weeks of fretting and worrying???
I don't like to fail...not at all. Everyone that cares about me is proud of me...what if I can't do it??? What if I break down the first day??? Or the first week??? I am so scared...almost 7 months I have cocooned, what if it's not enough???
Then, to make matters worse...I decided to look at my "sister's" facebook page. We are not friends but her page is public and I had her blocked many months...I unblocked her yet didn't friend request her, and WON'T. Immediately I saw she had posted something to the effect of..."Oh, I guess I am a step-sister...just found out after 30+ years". I referred to her as my stepsister 3 or 4 blogs ago, so she has been reading my blogs. Now there is very, very bad blood between us. My father, stepmother and sister treated me horrible when Cassi d***... told me she would not be allowed in the church the way she was dressed...She was in her casket!!! Dressed the way she would have wanted...I refused to change her and they told me the preacher would not allow it, which I later found out to be a lie. Anyway, it got ugly, I had to change all my plans and buy city cemetary plots...all this 3 days after I had lost my only child, my father's first grandchild to suicide. Then they did not even attend the services. So on a previous blog I wrote about attending a viewing with my husband and it brought up a lot of emotions...at some point I referred to her as a stepsister...now if she has been reading my blog all this time...of ALL the things I have written, bared my heart and soul, THAT is what she chooses to comment on??? Not even just comment, but make a joke of it. She actually called it woman drama and put the emoticon where the smiley face is laughing so hard tears are coming out...so now I am really upset about that too.
My older sister and I were the children of my father's first wife, the "starter wife", and our stepmother was horrible to us. My father let it happen..then when their baby arrived, it just got worse...this is the woman I refer to as my step-sister. I don't want any of them in my life but my older sister still loves and wants to have a relationship with my little sister who refuses to speak to her. So a month ago I texted the little sister, well, she's 38, and told her the drama had been caused by me and thru no fault of my older sister. I begged her to contact our older sister, that she had done nothing wrong, just supported me...she didn't text me back OR call our older sister.
I guess it was a bad time to go snooping on the step-sisters page. It just upset me more. Now I can't sleep, I am so angry...and so nervous about working.
I really need some guidance and advice...or even just opinions...anything, just please write me.
I don't like to fail...not at all. Everyone that cares about me is proud of me...what if I can't do it??? What if I break down the first day??? Or the first week??? I am so scared...almost 7 months I have cocooned, what if it's not enough???
Then, to make matters worse...I decided to look at my "sister's" facebook page. We are not friends but her page is public and I had her blocked many months...I unblocked her yet didn't friend request her, and WON'T. Immediately I saw she had posted something to the effect of..."Oh, I guess I am a step-sister...just found out after 30+ years". I referred to her as my stepsister 3 or 4 blogs ago, so she has been reading my blogs. Now there is very, very bad blood between us. My father, stepmother and sister treated me horrible when Cassi d***... told me she would not be allowed in the church the way she was dressed...She was in her casket!!! Dressed the way she would have wanted...I refused to change her and they told me the preacher would not allow it, which I later found out to be a lie. Anyway, it got ugly, I had to change all my plans and buy city cemetary plots...all this 3 days after I had lost my only child, my father's first grandchild to suicide. Then they did not even attend the services. So on a previous blog I wrote about attending a viewing with my husband and it brought up a lot of emotions...at some point I referred to her as a stepsister...now if she has been reading my blog all this time...of ALL the things I have written, bared my heart and soul, THAT is what she chooses to comment on??? Not even just comment, but make a joke of it. She actually called it woman drama and put the emoticon where the smiley face is laughing so hard tears are coming out...so now I am really upset about that too.
My older sister and I were the children of my father's first wife, the "starter wife", and our stepmother was horrible to us. My father let it happen..then when their baby arrived, it just got worse...this is the woman I refer to as my step-sister. I don't want any of them in my life but my older sister still loves and wants to have a relationship with my little sister who refuses to speak to her. So a month ago I texted the little sister, well, she's 38, and told her the drama had been caused by me and thru no fault of my older sister. I begged her to contact our older sister, that she had done nothing wrong, just supported me...she didn't text me back OR call our older sister.
I guess it was a bad time to go snooping on the step-sisters page. It just upset me more. Now I can't sleep, I am so angry...and so nervous about working.
I really need some guidance and advice...or even just opinions...anything, just please write me.
Replies
Oh Gina. Sometimes we have to divorce our family. Our friends are the family we choose. You have such a caring nature it is difficult to let it go.
We all process things in our own way. I know I am better jumping in to new adventures. The more I think about them, the more agitated I get. I totally understand the worry but you can only do what you can do. I know it will be your best and I am confident that you will be great. You managed the interview. I think that is harder than the job.
When I am at home too much, I dwell on things and become a sloppy, soggy basket case. I think once you are working, you will be fine.
Sending positive vibes for Tuesday!
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Gina, I\'m so sorry that you are feeling so much anxiety. First of all, starting a new job can be stressful but once you\'re adjusted you may feel more comfortable. I feel that you have all the qualities it takes to be a good fit for this position and I wish you the very best.
As far as family is concerned, we have no control over their words and actions, but we can control how we perceive and react to them. I know it\'s easier said than done especially since our emotions are all over the place to begin with. Please try to relax when you feel this tension. Soothing music, a good book, a long walk, all these kinds of things can help.
I\'m also sending positive energy your way that all will turn out well.
Love and tight hugs,
Diane
I know the whole family thing goes....screw \'em and stop fretting about them. Clearly you know where you stand with them & they don\'t give a rip...it doesn\'t sound like any of them do...what church are you talking about. My church, the Catholic Church, could in most cases care less what they are wearing. They generally close the casket before services anyhow - WTF! Also, what is the deal with \"City Cemetery Plots\" - did you have a family plot somewhere and they (your family) wouldn\'t let her be laid to rest there? If so, what a bunch of Douche Bags! I think it would be good for you to get back out there and do some work. If you feel it is too much for you...perhaps they could cut back the # of hours a bit. Sometimes if you cocoon too long it is almost impossible to get out of it and soon you won\'t be looking at not working but also not being able to go to the store etc. I think you will ease into your new position well. But you must be easier on yourself. I am or was a high achiever in my prior work...perfectionist. Now, I know it is okay to go slow and steady. You will win the race :D
I would imagine your mind is going in all different directions so just try to remain centered in your heart where your truth resides. You will know if the job is for you and if it is that is wonderful and if it is not then something else is waiting for you or hasn\'t even manifested yet. That\'s just how these kinds of things seem to work I have discovered.
Social media has made it that we can get \"messages\" out there any time day or night. I\'m sorry that you read what you did, but as always my mom\'s words come to me: \"Consider the source.\" I\'m sorry that this has happened within your family and would only surround myself with family and friends that feel safe, uplifting and serve you in a positive way. Maybe you do need to use that block so that you will not be tempted to read what she is writing? I remember in college breaking up with my boyfriend and having to have my phone taken out of my dorm room because I was so tempted to call him. Those were the days of no cell phones so the only phone I had was a pay phone in the dorm hallway. Now that really \"dates\" me, yet it kept me from calling him in a weak moment and just being upset.
Choose your first day outfit for Tuesday, your feet must be comfortable as I find that\'s the first thing that hurts when I work and am on my feet, fill your mind with positive and loving affirmations and ask for some earth angels to be ready to greet you. They are ready and waiting, Gina, and above all ask Cassi to BE with you and help you on this job and that you will be co-creators. I have found that they adore to be asked and who I learned this from early on was Teri with her Kala. Kala asked her why she kept not inviting her to special occasions and then once Teri did it was amazing what happened from there. I have done the same with Douglas and I have to be sure to just ask for it only to be \"him\" as sometimes he brings the entire \"gang\" and I can hardly breathe. LOL!
With you and certainly sending you so much positive energy and HOPE that you can let us know how it\'s going for you. I will be looking for that journal!
Heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I just wrote you and lost it. Oh well, Just want to say to hell with people who hurt you and blessings as you honor your Cassi.
Going out to work each day is a great relief, especially that you will be doing such good. Sending many vibes of healing, Kathy
Surround yourself with loving friends. They will keep you in the right path. Years ago there was a book titled Toxic People, and it is best to stay away from them.
I think the new job on Tuesday will be a great accomplishment for you. Cassi will be at your side and the good you will accomplish honors her.
Blessings my friend!!!
Great advice Joanie!!! I blocked her again and I won\'t go snooping again. Nothing good can come of it. If she reads my blog there is nothing I can do about it, but I won\'t read her comments about it anymore...it just shows you the kind of person she is. In my blog, I get real...I mean down-right, gritty, raw emotion real...the pain of a grieving mother put into words...and in all that...she chose to focus on the time I referred to her as a step-sister... because it\'s all about her of course.
Unfortunately, we cant choose our family. Sometimes our family members can be so cruel and unkind. We can choose our friends and you have so many here that love and care about you. Sending much love down your way. Katrina