Stupid Ramblings of idiotic and shameful thoughts
I'm starting to feel crappy.....really, I'm in between "ok" and "bad" (referring to moods).
I had a dream last week that I started selling myself. I met one of the guys I started talking to when I had my pof profile up, and I let him touch me a little. He wanted to touch more, and I put a price on it. It escalated to me meeting more guys (and sometimes girls - cost more) and letting them feel me up and do a little foreplay. I would charge based on what they wanted and for how long they wanted to play. I got to the point where I would go as far as oral sex. I'd charge a lot, but if they were willing to pay, I'd give them a blow job. I made a lot of money.
Sometimes I wonder if something like that would happen for real...........guys only want me for sex. I wont give it to them, but if I let them touch me, they'll like me and if I charge cheap, I can make a little money and because it's cheap, they probably wont care...but is that ok? It's just touching........and if I were pretty enough, maybe I could charge to be a girlfriend......I'll keep the guy company, talk to him (give him support and comfort)....there wont be sex, but he can touch me and enjoy my company, with no strings attached.....kinda like a hostess..............but nobody would pay me to do that....and they'd want sex eventually.
If there was a way to not be alone, not have to have sex, and be financially supported, I'd jump at it quickly! But I'm not pretty enough.......guys don't want me for free, so why would they jump at me for a low price?
I was offered money when I was younger...............I was almost picked up a few times too, then I gained weight. I still get looks, and I have had guys try me, but not even half as much as before. There was a guy that wanted to "pimp" me. He'd set up jobs and get a little cash.....I would start at like $25 a job, and I can do like just blow jobs.......sometimes I wonder if I should've taken it.......I was just nervous that my family would find out.....or that they'd want more.........and I don't want to do a raw job.................I hate sex, so being paid would give me a reason to be touched and stuff.....I still would NOT go all the way though.......................the only other reason I would ever have to go out and have sex is marriage..........
But I'm not worth it. I used to be. I was cute, innocent, smart, a little depressed but I was getting over it, I was so kind, and always wanted the best for everyone. I would've done anything for my boyfriend....I would've made sure he was happy (as long as it didn't involve sex). I would have given myself to my husband, and he would've been the only one to ever see my body, feel it, kiss it, taste it....I also would have only kissed him......everything would've been perfect, but I was raped, harassed, assaulted, and made unworthy to wed...and I have the nerve to expect my "dream guy" to appear and save me.....I want to be married to such a great guy after I've been contaminated....what a laugh.
I'll probably end up doing favors for my guy friends for money. I see it. I'll be attractive, and make a lot of male friends again.....and then when they ask me about doing a little something (not sex), I'll ask how much they're willing to pay for it. I'll always have a bed to sleep in when I'm alone and/or upset at night. I wont die alone. I'll always have my guy friends around, and they'll protect me too. Maybe that's how things should be. I can't find a man, probably wont get married, and I have issues, and I am an easy target.....so for my safety, so I wont be alone, and so everyone will be happy, maybe I do need guy friends to keep around.................who knows, maybe one of them will like me enough to make me more than a friend.....if he can get over me being used by other guys......but of course, if I ever do get a boyfriend, I'd never cheat. It would be over with the others..........I have to get attractive first though...
I had a dream last week that I started selling myself. I met one of the guys I started talking to when I had my pof profile up, and I let him touch me a little. He wanted to touch more, and I put a price on it. It escalated to me meeting more guys (and sometimes girls - cost more) and letting them feel me up and do a little foreplay. I would charge based on what they wanted and for how long they wanted to play. I got to the point where I would go as far as oral sex. I'd charge a lot, but if they were willing to pay, I'd give them a blow job. I made a lot of money.
Sometimes I wonder if something like that would happen for real...........guys only want me for sex. I wont give it to them, but if I let them touch me, they'll like me and if I charge cheap, I can make a little money and because it's cheap, they probably wont care...but is that ok? It's just touching........and if I were pretty enough, maybe I could charge to be a girlfriend......I'll keep the guy company, talk to him (give him support and comfort)....there wont be sex, but he can touch me and enjoy my company, with no strings attached.....kinda like a hostess..............but nobody would pay me to do that....and they'd want sex eventually.
If there was a way to not be alone, not have to have sex, and be financially supported, I'd jump at it quickly! But I'm not pretty enough.......guys don't want me for free, so why would they jump at me for a low price?
I was offered money when I was younger...............I was almost picked up a few times too, then I gained weight. I still get looks, and I have had guys try me, but not even half as much as before. There was a guy that wanted to "pimp" me. He'd set up jobs and get a little cash.....I would start at like $25 a job, and I can do like just blow jobs.......sometimes I wonder if I should've taken it.......I was just nervous that my family would find out.....or that they'd want more.........and I don't want to do a raw job.................I hate sex, so being paid would give me a reason to be touched and stuff.....I still would NOT go all the way though.......................the only other reason I would ever have to go out and have sex is marriage..........
But I'm not worth it. I used to be. I was cute, innocent, smart, a little depressed but I was getting over it, I was so kind, and always wanted the best for everyone. I would've done anything for my boyfriend....I would've made sure he was happy (as long as it didn't involve sex). I would have given myself to my husband, and he would've been the only one to ever see my body, feel it, kiss it, taste it....I also would have only kissed him......everything would've been perfect, but I was raped, harassed, assaulted, and made unworthy to wed...and I have the nerve to expect my "dream guy" to appear and save me.....I want to be married to such a great guy after I've been contaminated....what a laugh.
I'll probably end up doing favors for my guy friends for money. I see it. I'll be attractive, and make a lot of male friends again.....and then when they ask me about doing a little something (not sex), I'll ask how much they're willing to pay for it. I'll always have a bed to sleep in when I'm alone and/or upset at night. I wont die alone. I'll always have my guy friends around, and they'll protect me too. Maybe that's how things should be. I can't find a man, probably wont get married, and I have issues, and I am an easy target.....so for my safety, so I wont be alone, and so everyone will be happy, maybe I do need guy friends to keep around.................who knows, maybe one of them will like me enough to make me more than a friend.....if he can get over me being used by other guys......but of course, if I ever do get a boyfriend, I'd never cheat. It would be over with the others..........I have to get attractive first though...
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