Stupid
In this moment I am consumed with so much anxiety that I can’t feel present. This moment.
It’s this again, the I couldn’t fit my art homework into my week so I’m doing it in the middle of the night on Friday. I did it last year too. For some reason it is the most depressing, anxiety inducing situation. Depressing because I’m going to be chained to this still life painting maybe until the sun comes up- and doing art is such a horrendous feeling when you don’t actually want to do it. Anxiety inducing because lack of sleep messes me up? I’m not sure. I think the idea of the situation makes me feel this way, not the situation itself, my brain is trigger happy.
I’ve been doing yoga lately... it’s a class at my school. I find it pretty agreeable and nice... nice to stretch and become more limber. But I don’t really find it calming or meditative or spiritual, I really see it as stretching and strength excercises is all. I find it weird trying to do yoga at home and seeing the chakra-centered stuff, or even just the supposedly calming content about breathing and being in the moment. It feels so strange and... wrong? But yoga itself as an excercise is nice. I like the idea of being able to bend my body all contorionist style, maybe it’ll help my kickboxing, i’ll be able to kick higher or something lol.
I really don’t know what to do here, like I said my brain’s gone to full panic mode, I can’t concentrate.
Every angle of the situation is attacking me differently, past present and future, worry and shame, little sharp bits of volcanic ash cutting my lungs. This is stupid. I want to escape but I know I have to face it. But I also don’t want to obligate myself into facing it and regret it tomorrow morning. It is the type of situation that decides who I am, and I’m, at the moment, scared.
Replies
Let's start with the simple issues first, yoga, it takes a while for yoga to ' click' before that moment you're just going through the motions.. So keep going..and yes it will help your kickboxing And your anxiety. I know all about doing things last minute, and that there's nothing worse creatively when your brain is tired, mistakes happen, and so forth. Essentially we need to figure out a better time management solution. Which u can't do right now in an anxiety state, but I'm just saying if u set timers- for both work and breaks this will help u greatly. U do not have time to text or read journals until your project is complete. Discipline yourself. U CAN do this. Prioritize yourself first on your list.
I have an idea that helped me when I had a severe case of writer's block when I was in college as a non-traditional studen taking creative writing classes. In one poetry writing class I was stuck on my final assignment. Time was running out. Nothing was working. And nothing else was getting done either. I was telling a friend about it and they suggested writing about the struggle, even making light of it. It worked. While you cannot write about doing a still life, maybe you could paint the struggle of doing a still life. Maybe add some humor to it by depicting discarded partially done canvases lying askew on the floor.
As I reread your journal, I see you already have described an amazing image in the 1st sentence of your last paragraph that might insire you to work it into a still life.
I think it's about being in stuckness which is an ok place to be because, imho, we learn when we're in stuckness. Ultimately I think its about shifting how we see/think about being stuck. Sometimes when we 'unstick' ourselves in one area, we also 'unstick' ourselves from the other areas as well. And sometimes, making fun of or doing something fun and/or out of the ordinary can release our creativity. And I have a feeling you will break thru the stuckness in your own special and unique way. Can't wait to see what you do. :-)