STUNNED!!! Another Dramatic Inight this morning!
So I let the dog back in around 5:15 am and laid back down with no agenda...mind open, and I had another realization thanks to Lisa and her Expectations of Outcomes, or is that a mix of two Friends and not just her? IDK, but what occurred in my mind is that all my life has been about expectations of some future outcome, after which everything will be permanently "Okay". I realized this morning that no such outcome is possible, nor is it waiting for me. I have been patiently waiting for an expected outcome from my mother of what I can expect for myself. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It struck me DUMBFOUNDED this morning when I realized ALL my coping skills were developed to cope with my disappointment in reality. You see, I always thought, or have meant to believe, that my expectations were correct, and "reality was wrong"; and that I am still waiting for reality to deliver my expectations as I was told. ALL of my coping skills were designed to tolerate the disappointment in my reality for not meeting my expectations yet! I realized this morning that I am not equipped to accept reality, and I need to develop new coping skills to handle "Reality", and NOT my disappointment in my expectations of some miracle outcome. I AM STUNNED! I wasn't brought to my knees in defeat; I am knocked on my ASS, sitting here mentally speaking, and blinking my eyes to make sure I am awake! And I AM! Fortunately, because of all the progress you have all helped me with so far, I know I cannot fix the last 68 years; there's nothing to fix. It was all a mistake, and there's nothing to do about it, except to learn new coping skills for myself in order to deal with a new Reality. ALL of my past passiveness behaviors have been a delusion, to help me deal with reality through fantasy outcomes. As I said, I am stunned! I'm in shock, if this insight is true. Now....I'm not ready to say what I felt this morning is true or accurate yet, but it sure feels like an enlightened insight. I think this morning the awareness question from yesterday about, "Where do I go from here?" is about this new realization. What new coping skills do I need to develop for handling this new Reality without fantastic expectations? I am ill-equipped for it right now. As I said, I'm not afraid, I'M AWAKE! This feels like a change in my vision of myself and my boundaries; and my career as a CO. Being CO is about projected expectations, and being disappointed constantly when my reality clashes with my expectations, and me believing my expectations are correct and reality is wrong! Oops! I'm VERY leery this morning about this new insight. I was not prepared for it, and how could I be? It was like, "Okay, so you want answers for healing what's really been bothering you? Try THIS! You're entire life has be a fantasy expectation up until NOW. How's that for an answer!" To me..., this is one of those "HOLY SHIT! Can this TRUE?!!!
I will say this, I feel much stronger this morning, at least in setting new boundaries of myself, and protecting myself from any new expectations from my Ego. In my past, all those expectations have been VERY painfully disappointing, and I don't want to participate in that habit any more. Not NOW! I know too much this morning to go back, or at least I have a totally new viewpoint to evaluate myself from now. I feel different about myself today. More powerful. We'll see if it's just another delusion, or if it manifests in a new behavior pattern.
For now, I'm shocked, as it all begins to soak in. I'm not in a hurry to do anything with it yet. I'll sit with it for a while today, absorbing the feeling. It feels fresh, freeing.
Gratitudes: For all my Friends who have inadvertently given me all the hints to get me to this point today, it was no accident that you've helped. Thanks for my family, including my Friends as family now. Thanks for my perseverance and determination, of all things, my expectations, that kept my driving for an answer! Thanks for my inquiring mind that never stops asking for more. Thanks for this life experience itself. WHAT A RIDE!!!
With Love and Affection,
Richard
I will say this, I feel much stronger this morning, at least in setting new boundaries of myself, and protecting myself from any new expectations from my Ego. In my past, all those expectations have been VERY painfully disappointing, and I don't want to participate in that habit any more. Not NOW! I know too much this morning to go back, or at least I have a totally new viewpoint to evaluate myself from now. I feel different about myself today. More powerful. We'll see if it's just another delusion, or if it manifests in a new behavior pattern.
For now, I'm shocked, as it all begins to soak in. I'm not in a hurry to do anything with it yet. I'll sit with it for a while today, absorbing the feeling. It feels fresh, freeing.
Gratitudes: For all my Friends who have inadvertently given me all the hints to get me to this point today, it was no accident that you've helped. Thanks for my family, including my Friends as family now. Thanks for my perseverance and determination, of all things, my expectations, that kept my driving for an answer! Thanks for my inquiring mind that never stops asking for more. Thanks for this life experience itself. WHAT A RIDE!!!
With Love and Affection,
Richard
Replies
In my opinion, \"it\'s no delusion!\" It\'s what I would call a MIRACLE! :-)
a GREAT BIG WONDERFUL MIRACLE!
Lots and lots of Hugszzzz to you!
Hi Rich,
This is quite interesting. Yes, the journeys are amazing.
Hugs,
Shari
Today was good. I stayed home without guilt and rested my mind. No expectations, no needed outcomes. I have also to agreed not to read any more philosophy books right now, nor re-read The Way of the Heart again yet.
However! There\'s more. I picked up one print-out of my personality profile to help me remember to develop some new skills. I have read it a few times before these last couple of weeks, and then something stood out, actually jumped out. According to my profile, there are several types I have problems with socially, and one is labeled \"The Staller\", and their description described me perfectly: \"Stallers are caught between two desires, a desire to be helpful and a desire not to cause anyone any disappointment.\"! Didn\'t I just talk about that YESTERDAY???!!!. That\'s where the guilt is coming from: the CO fear that I will disappoint someone, anyone evidently, if I am not able to be of help to them! Where in the hell did I get that, #1?; and what keeps me doing it, #2? What is this obsession that in every expected outcome it is up to me to be able to help someone with something! This is a real problem! I DONT\', actually, have to feel the need to help everyone; but feel guilty if I don\'t. This is something for me to watch mush closer, and stop expecting it of myself. It is not necessary, and it is not necessary for my identity. This is what needs changing first.
Anyway..., this article is no more than 17 pages, and not even full pages, and yet here is another helpful insight. Whew! Still, I\'m taking it easy. One problem that was identified, AGAIN. and was clearly stated for skill building, was that I scored moderately high in \"Reflection & Rumination\", in other words, I have a \"chatty brain\". So I\'m doing my best to give it a rest. I\'m not trying to think of any expectations of myself, and this stuff keeps coming to me now while not expecting anything! Oh well, I did ask for it.
Cheers, Hugs, and Love,
Rich
This morning, Thursday, I put more pieces together, incidentally, and I wasn\'t even consciously trying to think about anything. The \"fear of guilt for being disappointing about not helping\", is the typical CO issue of controlling other people\'s feelings of pain. No wonder it\'s so frustrating, it\'s impossible to actually control anyone else\'s emotions!
I think the lesson I\'m still trying to get is that we were (OKAY! \"I\") was taught that the very last label anyone could ever want as part of their identity was to be hurtful to others. I feel that is my core issue, a very thin \"emotional skin\" concerning my identity image, controlling how I was perceived by others, INSTEAD of my own perception of myself. If I am accused, I am guilty! No proof is necessary. If \'someone\' (including my ego) says I hurt their feelings, even \"accidentally\", I am guilty and need to feel ashamed of my identity. At this moment I feel that is the very strong belief I need to learn to forgive myself for believing. In addition to the principle that my expected outcome is that I always never hurt anyone\'s feelings, and if I do I am \"wrong\" fro not being a \"Perfect CO\".
I want to practice letting go of that \"irrational guilt\" agreement. I can let people feel hurt, emotionally, (who feel hurt as a way to control my feelings about myself, my identity, and coerce me to behave the way they want in order to suit their needs instead of mine; in fact, they could care less how \"I\" feel by guilt-ing ME!) by learning not to control or even try to correct their perceptions and choice of feelings. To only be aware of mine and regulate my own feelings. Of all things, I am super-sensitive to accepting \"blame\" for how anyone feels emotionally. I want to give that up, through the LOA. NOT to deny or resist feeling guilty all the time, or fearing guilt, but ALLOWING IT to be so. Guilt and shame are just feelings right? Like the thoughts that pop into our minds? Feel it and let the feeling go. Forgive myself, NOT for what I have been accused of, but for attacking my Self as though I was responsible for someone else\'s perceptions. That would by THEIR path of learning that everything is not perfection, nor anyone else, especially ME, and they will have to learn to deal with their feelings of hurt and disappointment concerning perfection just like I had to on my path. I am NOT responsible for anyone else\'s life-path, I have my own to experience and learn to deal with!
Right away I feel guilty for even writing THAT, LOL!, but I\'ll get over it. I can always change later it if I choose to do so.
Have a great day, develop a thicker emotional skin. (We all wanted growth, so growing a thicker emotional skin must be what we\'re asking for in order to improve ourselves. IDK)
Love and hugs,
Rich
HI Rich,
Your journey is certainly helping me examine my stuff, too. I am really tired of carrying around bags of unearned guilt. Guilt for just being. :-/ I agree, these are feelings and we do not need to hold onto them. Releasing is the answer for me. :-)
Hugs,
Shari
I am currently re reading \'the road less travelled\' for the tenth time and am fascinated by \'the pursuit of truth\' and discipline that is needed for progress. Good. Stuff Rich x
According to the Way of the Heart, there are no mistakes.
I have been thinking a lot about expectations and the \"shadow\" that has cast in my life. (Shadow = Fear)
The expectations include that of perfection. I even approach Way of the Heart with the expectation that \"I can only do this if I do it rightt\"... (Right = perfect in Lisa-Speak)
That\'s why I keep opening and closing. If I can\'t get it perfect, I don\'t seem to believe I can even do it at all.
And then we feel guilty.
So... Is this the path we have been taking: Expectations --> Fear --> Guilt ?
I love the super green smiley face. It\'s not just green today, it\'s really green! Vicki says it\'s not easy being green :D
Hi Lisa...I am just curious what \"perfection and doing it right\" means for you when reading the Way of the Heart.
Curious VIcki
I always perceive perfectionism as a control problem, control of other people\'s acceptance or disapproval (disappointment) with one\'s Self.
My speculation is that as CO\'s we feel if we had been more perfect when we were younger we would not have been abused, so we continue to feel guilty for causing other people\'s feelings and actions. We were taught (blamed) for being imperfect for other\'s needs, and in fact we weren\'t the problem at all.
What I am waiting for now is my intuition to tell me what the payoff is for continuing to feel guilty. To break a habit, it helps to have a more rewarding habit to replace it with. What I don\'t know now is \"What do I get out of continuing to feel guilty and so agreeable for everyone, and not claiming my own needs?\".
One feeling it connect to not speaking up and stating what I want is that I don\'t want to disappoint anyone for what I desire, that it may be the \"wrong\" desire! Weird! Really weird. Being a disappointment seems to be my identity right now, and has been most of my life, so according to the LOA, that\'s my self-destructive habit.
:-( No bright green smilely-face at the moment.
Ruminating Rich
Hi Rich,
The payoff is you do not have to focus on your own desires and stand up for yourself maybe? Feeling the fear what confrontation feels like when you take care of yourself? Easier ( in some ways, and in some ways not) to just feel guilt over the Universe?
Hugs,
Shari
Shari! I believe you are right! CO\'s avoid confrontation like the plague! Right? \"Everything is my fault, I\'m responsible for everything that is not perfect in everyone else\'s life, including me not being perfect.\"
(OF course, my intuition knew I\'d get the answer from somewhere, and I attracted that answer from you! LOL!)
Love and affection,
Rich
Hi Rich,
LOL. :-)
Hugs,
Shari