STUCK!
I want to say, 1st of all, thank you, to all, for your support, comments, and good thoughts. I am not being much of a friend right now. I haven't been sending many hugs, messages, etc. But, please know, you are all constantly in my thoughts. I am struggling. Maybe it is because Scott's angel date is approaching. Maybe it is because Mother's Day is near. Mostly, I think, it is because I am just stuck. I can't seem to get past certain things. I have had to cut back on counseling because of finances. That has slowed progress, I think. I feel so lost. I miss Scott so much! As I told someone, I don't know how we can have this much pain and live. I thought I might be sick. Apparently not. I went to the Dr. and had multiple tests. I am very healthy. Blood is good. Chest x-ray is good. Other lab is good. Heart is good. But, it is broken. That is where the problem is. I am like Humpty Dumpty, I think. I just feel lousy because of grief. There is no pill or cure for that. I don't know what to do. I would like to enjoy something, sometime, again. Oh, I have moments of pleasure. But it is not the old me. The smile never comes quite to my eyes. The joy never fully encloses my heart. I just feel like I am going through the motions. I don't really care if I live or not. That bothers me, too. I have two other children. So many of you have none and that breaks my heart even more. It seems like I should feel better because of them. I do feel very blessed but I do not feel better. I do value & appreciate my time with them even more. But, I always valued that time. A lot. Like I said, I am just stuck. I have always, before, been a positive person. Now, I am not really negative, I just am. It is frustrating because I want to enjoy life again. But how can I? I know I will never be the same. How can I get this new me to fit in? Not just fit in with the world but fit in with myself. I don't even know myself anymore, it seems. It is a crazy notion to be a stranger to your own self. This whole journey is crazy!
Replies
I am so sorry your having such a hard time. Please don\'t give up. Know you are loved and you will find yourself somehow. I\'m looking for myself now. I will pray and keep you in my thoughts sweetie. Im here if you ever just want to talk or have someone to just listen to. I have a great shoulder to lean on. love ya, sheri
I am so sorry your having such a hard time. Please don\'t give up. Know you are loved and you will find yourself somehow. I\'m looking for myself now. I will pray and keep you in my thoughts sweetie. Im here if you ever just want to talk or have someone to just listen to. I have a great shoulder to lean on. love ya, sheri
Naturally after someone we love dies, we question the meaning and purpose of life. Atleast I do. We struggle with our changing identity. I often feel helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and most of all fear, fear of another loss. It takes alot of time to work on discovering some of our old self, the part that was positive, fun loving and confident. Those qualities are still there just buried in the hurt right now. I know in time it will slowly re-emerge. We all support each other through this process. You do not have to do this alone no should you. We need the encouragement of each other. Here for you. Love Robin
It is so hard to find ourselves...it is like we have lost our identity. Our identity was complete when our family was complete. So, I guess we are now trying to feel complete with our abreviated family...and it seems impossible. One day, I pray that we will truly be able to feel happiness...but as Cyn said once...it is like a shadow is over everything. Hang in there with us...we need you. Love and hugs...Karen
{{{hugs}}} i can totally understand. i love you! i\'m here whenever you need me. love you! ~~ charlayne
I think you feel like I do Justin\'s one year in March and now comes mothers day.I haven\'t felt myself in 13 months I don\'t even know where I belong hold on tight, your worst day is coming up in June just hang on to your family tight.I\'t like the nightmare all over again.I wish I could encourage you but it is rough.Try and hang on I\'m hanging by a thread not knowing which way I\'m going.Taks Care,Love,jfm24,Vicki
I understand all to well what you are saying. I feel almost all of the same things right now myself. Can\'t explain why it\'s worse right now, it just is. Sending you love and hugs and hope for strength for all of us to get through yet another \"holiday\" without our children, Cyn
I too understand exactly how you feel because thats how I have been feeling too, I\'m relieved in a way that it\'s not just me!
Sending you hugs
April
You can\'t force your feelings. I just exist. I don\'t think I will be the happy person I once was. That person died with Melissa. But I can try to find a new happy. That is what I think our angels would want us to do. So I will try. Take Care of U and only do what you can. Love and Hugs.
I think we have to get to know and understand and yes even love the person who is left after he death of a child. The old you-me, gets frusterated with this new person. This is not us, this is someone we don\'t know and most of the time don\'t want to. This is us and that is a hard thing to accept. With the death of a child we not only loose them we loose ourselves as well. that person died with the child, who is left is a strange awkward person, we don\'t know. Somehow we have to accept this is now a big part of who we are. It feels like being stuck but it\'s really a rebirth and the labour pains are extrememly painful. Combine that with the hard work of mourning and is there any wonder we are struggling and in pain. Neither birth or death are painless. We can move through this place and come out the other side, not as the same person we were but a stronger, gentler, more understanding and slightly sadder one. This death doesn\'t define us but it does and always will be a big part of who we are. Just keep walking and looking and you will find the new you. Walking with you. Love and hugs Cathy
Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn\'t kill you in the making.
Stephanie Ericsson
We are all changing who we are and what we value. I am not the same person I was 8 months ago. We need to take the rest of our lives and find out who we are and what if anything is important....now.