Struggling With Acceptance
This morning I'm feeling rushed and anxious. The requirements of this job are beyond my comfort zone and I'm resisting the opportunity to learn something...evidently, if you want to look at it from a spiritual view. I am in conflict with the job and my personality. I prefer to be slow, deep, and thorough; to be sincere at thinking and feeling deeply about "things" solving problems (my strongly introverted self) and it appears the job requires an ardent extrovert, enjoying flitting place to place in a hurry and getting getting things done in a flurry. I THINK the problem I have is the nature of my sensitivity and the need to manage everything, or at least be aware of everything, in sight or in my current environment. I am feeling overwhelmed at being succinct and articulate and the job doesn't require that; it requires superficialities.
I can see by the words I am using that I am avoiding, or at least processing, my feelings that I really don't want to admit or talk about. The conflict is between the "job" and "who I want to be". The "job", apparently and based on my own current perspective, is about getting "billable hours", where as my personality is about getting "things done to help people by taking the time to do it thoroughly". And then there is the time pressure, After a days work of attempting to meet people, who often cancel, reschedule, or forget their appointments, I am required to find others on a moments notice to fill in for the time gap. I do not like this kind of rapid and stressful pace. You would think everything is an emergency and a crisis. Then I still "have to" write my notes based on a completely different set of criteria, and there are several elements for changing things I have not mastered yet. Essentially I cannot do what I need to do yet because (blame) I have not learned them. I am a slow learner, and I want the money though. It's just that I feel the pressure to change into being something, or someone, I'm not, i.e., I'm feeling unhappy and I'm don't want to feel unhappy. I want to do things MY way, that suit ME. I can see the resistance through the feelings of the sense that I am being pressured to "not be myself", the invalidation of me as who I am, by being dismissed as a tool that needs to be shaped into fitting the job. It is a little early to make a change yet.
I do know that that I do not like all my work being examined and corrected to fit a restrictive dialogue that is about getting paid and not about the work at hand of helping give insights and change. They have a very narrow script to follow and my creativity and insights are not needed or appreciated, it seems; I am a body used to get hours and not a person whose talents are being used to satisfy a principle.
Whew! Time to go. I'll continue later, maybe. I have four clients scheduled today and will have to learn how to get my notes done quickly when I get home. I have not mastered taking my lap-top and doing my notes in session yet. It seems distracting. Like I say, my ability to focus and listen intently keeps me from thinking and doing other things at the same time. I prefer to concentrate on the one thing I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, not several things at once. It seems to be about the threat of importance and the difference between what I see as important and what others judge as important. It just takes me too much time because (blame) I am so intense.
Have a great day...I will continue to look for the lesson I'm missing here. I may be too close to see the big picture yet. The stress is causing me to focus harder instead of relaxing to see the reality of the landscape. Crap! I don't know what I'm saying here. I'm feeling frustrated and I don't know how to relieve the frustration yet. this is not what i want to do, and I am feeling trapped at the moment. It's like imaginary claustrophobia. We'll see what happens. I will "have to" change if I want to continue to do this, or learn to enjoy it.
I can see by the words I am using that I am avoiding, or at least processing, my feelings that I really don't want to admit or talk about. The conflict is between the "job" and "who I want to be". The "job", apparently and based on my own current perspective, is about getting "billable hours", where as my personality is about getting "things done to help people by taking the time to do it thoroughly". And then there is the time pressure, After a days work of attempting to meet people, who often cancel, reschedule, or forget their appointments, I am required to find others on a moments notice to fill in for the time gap. I do not like this kind of rapid and stressful pace. You would think everything is an emergency and a crisis. Then I still "have to" write my notes based on a completely different set of criteria, and there are several elements for changing things I have not mastered yet. Essentially I cannot do what I need to do yet because (blame) I have not learned them. I am a slow learner, and I want the money though. It's just that I feel the pressure to change into being something, or someone, I'm not, i.e., I'm feeling unhappy and I'm don't want to feel unhappy. I want to do things MY way, that suit ME. I can see the resistance through the feelings of the sense that I am being pressured to "not be myself", the invalidation of me as who I am, by being dismissed as a tool that needs to be shaped into fitting the job. It is a little early to make a change yet.
I do know that that I do not like all my work being examined and corrected to fit a restrictive dialogue that is about getting paid and not about the work at hand of helping give insights and change. They have a very narrow script to follow and my creativity and insights are not needed or appreciated, it seems; I am a body used to get hours and not a person whose talents are being used to satisfy a principle.
Whew! Time to go. I'll continue later, maybe. I have four clients scheduled today and will have to learn how to get my notes done quickly when I get home. I have not mastered taking my lap-top and doing my notes in session yet. It seems distracting. Like I say, my ability to focus and listen intently keeps me from thinking and doing other things at the same time. I prefer to concentrate on the one thing I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, not several things at once. It seems to be about the threat of importance and the difference between what I see as important and what others judge as important. It just takes me too much time because (blame) I am so intense.
Have a great day...I will continue to look for the lesson I'm missing here. I may be too close to see the big picture yet. The stress is causing me to focus harder instead of relaxing to see the reality of the landscape. Crap! I don't know what I'm saying here. I'm feeling frustrated and I don't know how to relieve the frustration yet. this is not what i want to do, and I am feeling trapped at the moment. It's like imaginary claustrophobia. We'll see what happens. I will "have to" change if I want to continue to do this, or learn to enjoy it.
Replies
Maybe I AM struggling with disappointment. And that\'s the lesson.
Hi Rich,
Sending you hugs. The accepting of opposing goals/objectives is difficult, maybe for all Cos (at least it is true for me as well). I am struggling again with acceptance myself about something. And I am even having trouble identifying what my true objection is. :-/
Have a good day and I guess the journey is the struggle (sometmes, lol). Sometimes I wonder, is all of this just because I am so stubborn? :-)
Hugs again,
Shar
Hello!
My RA can be very difficult to accept at times because of the pain. On days the pain is unbearable, I have learned to \"make it ok, that I\'m not ok!\" For yrs. I tried to do anything and everything to make the pain go away and had no luck; so, I really have come to the conclusion there are just days, whether physically or emotionally, \" it\'s ok not to be ok.\" Period! It seems to take away the disappointment of not being able to \"fix\" what needs fixing. Not being disappointed in myself for \"not\" be able to \"fix\" things, then relieves my stress. Years ago, I would have seen this as a weakness; now, I see it as a strength! Honoring where I am: The good, the bad and the ugly! Well, if were labeling things! :-)
Hoping your day went well and sending you a big ole\' hug!
A quick note. 1) thank you both, as usual, for your heartfelt comments. Shar, I think, no FEEL, you hit on a good topic in your comment: \"Sometimes I wonder, is all of this just because I am so stubborn?\" That may be something we need to talk about some more here. 2) Vicki, \"make it ok, that I\'m not ok!\". This I feel is what Shar accidently brought to my attention; the resistance, STRONG resistanceAM I EXPECTING MY JOB NOT TO BE FUN AND INSTEAD AN EVALUATION OF ME ALL THE TIME? So I decided to look at this job as FUN. I\'m gong in predisposed to fearing, when I can go in by making it a fun exploration. And do you know what? It works!!! I continually have to do it, reorient myself, but it does work. I do not feel the imagined pressure when I see it as a learning activity that can be fun to explore. No goals, just practice. Go in a direction; without a Pass/Fail goal as a threat to my identity if I fail to get the established goal. I feel \"getting to the goal\" is a form of perfection and absolutism, where it is either/or. Either succeed and be happy, or fail to succeed and feel powerless. Or something like that.
Gotta go...
Now that I have more time, here is what i meant to say that may not have come out above. I was going to work and felt afraid and very anxious; and then I had a very strange thought: \"Am I evaluating myself? Why am I not expecting my job to be fun instead of an evaluation.\" The second question is really important, I feel. Why AM I not expecting my job to be fun? I am EXPECTING it to be fearful and harmful, why not fun? I mean, these are expectations that \"I\" am creating myself, no one else is MAKING me create them or choose them. I don\'t have to feel afraid, I\'m just doing it, it could be fun if I choose to look at it that way. And I did. And I instantly felt better. I decided on my own that it was not that important, not that critical to anything. That change in attitude was inner directed, and not by waiting for anything outside of me to change. I took control of my feelings about my expectations; I did not change anything outside. And I\'m okay with that. I felt much more energetic when I decided to approach it as a fun and interesting exploration. Make your activities fun, or perceive them as fum, and the seriousness dissipates, along with the fear. It\'s fun, fun\'s not meant to be important!
I hope this is a better comment for expressing my event; the thanks to both of you still stands. ;-D
This is the very thing I am presenting @ my Women\'s Retreat; \"Change the Story and get the GLory.\" It dawned on me one day that for three yrs. I had been telling the same story, to whomever would listen; how and what my kids had been doing to me.\" When I told the story, there was no happiness, and certainly no Glory. Once again, everytime I told the story, it brought up PAIN..... It is \"foreign\" to no longer tell the \"story\" I have told so very long..I\'m walking in.new territory...I even catch myself wanting to tell the story so people say \"Awww, that is terrible; or shame on them; or they\'ll be sorry someday\"...talk about needing validation FROM OTHERS and needing ATTENTION..OUCH. Now I see how my kids have presented to me the opportunity to take care of \"unfinished\" business. Thru what has happened to us, I have forgiven myself, my parents, acknowleded how I give them permission to feel their feelings, to not like me, etc. I have asked their forgiveness for the things they thought I should have done that I didn\'t,etc. I learned out to set boundaries and NOT be so co-dependent.
I too took control of my feelings and expectations and saw my story in a whole different light; this, has brought me much Glory! I am becoming more aware of all the \"stories\" I tell and asking \"Self\" if they are bringing me Glory or Pain.
Webster..The meaning of Glory: Manifestation of Gods Presence; A state of Splendor; Greatness.
A new Chapter in my life: I want to be Aware and Accept my Greatness; my Splendor, God\'s Presence (whatever that means for me/you). Like Shar acknowleding she is a Hero/Shero!
Have a fun-filled day....
My prayer has been \"I am willing to see things differently!\" Bam!