Struggles.

this afternoon I am struggling, with loss i never had... 

Working the 4th step of recovery, requires you to make a fearless moral inventory of ourselves. it takes a long time, and it is rough and triggering many times. So i must stop for a day or two and pick it back up again. 

But today i was working it some and i got exhausted, so i went and worked out some, tried to pick it back up, but it was still exhaustive. So, I laid down and napped, only to be woken up out of a dream that hurt so bad. I dreamed that I was trying so hard to check up on my first wife to make sure she was ok, and in my dream, we had a beautiful daughter.  It hurt; it was like i was hit with a baseball bat as was jolted awake. 

It hurts because I cannot have children, and i destroyed both of my marriages. 

I don't know why God does not want me to have children, but it hurts. I know he has a plan and most likely its for my own good. I must live as close to how Jesus did for I know my every life depends on it. I don't want the life I had, full of hurt, pain, anger, and resentment. 

So I hurt today because i feel the loss of a child I never had and never will have.