Stressed

My life has been a whirlwind of many emotions from the time my parents divorced until now. I had to grow up quickly as I was around 13 when my parents divorced. They did not have a healthy marriage and it was honestly for the better that they seperated. My father and I since the divorce have had an extremely rocky relationship, for a long time he was very rotten to me. He blamed me for the divorce as I should have known my mother was going to leave and that I should have said something so it could have been prevented. The custody battle was a nightmare as my brother and I both wanted to stay with my mother vs my father due to his verbal abuse and the constant accusations. Many times he had made accusations that I was replacing him with a new father (my step dad) or that I loved my step dad more.. He would get excessively angry if he witnessed me hug my step father or if there was ever any mention of us doing anything with my mom and step father. For years my brother and I tip-toed around my father and his feelings. Eventually he stopped harassing my brother and I became the center of my fathers rage. 

My time spent with my father became more and more depressing. I was always being yelled at and blamed for the things my mother did. Accused of not caring about my father or his family. He is what I call a "cyclic-abuser"...He starts out manic...very happy and almost seems as if he is the best father in the world. This phase usually lasts a week or so.. then you start to feel the tension and he becomes distant and more irritable. This phase drags for 2-3 weeks where you feel as if you must walk on egg shells in an atempt to not trigger him to flip to phase 3 ...EXPLOSION.. In this phase it doesn't matter what you say or do.. He loses it. He yells at you and you are the blame for everything and anything that could have ever gone wrong. Then he screams about mom and how she left and it's all her fault that he is the way he is. Then it's my fault that I didn't do anything to prevent it and I'm just like her and I am goona grow up and inflict the same misery on someone else. Once this explosion phase is over (usually a week) hes back tot he manic happy phase and we start all over. 

I have multiple health issues. Heart and back problems as well as carpal tunnel and anxiety. I go through periods of depression but I do not take anything for any of my problems. I manage it myself and through talking to my mother and friends. My father and I got into a huge fight 8 years ago when I went into CHF. I had called him on my way to the ER and told him  was in heart failure and that I was going to the Emergency room and his response was.. " I have to work in the morning so I need to get some sleep. Let me know how you make out." At the time I was angry with him and upset as I was terrified but I had my mother and best friend by my side so I tried not to think about it as I was already in and out of conciousness. The next week we entered phase 3 again and my father made my brother (12 or 13) at the time cry on christmas eve over wanting to go snowboarding with our uncle and cousins on my moms side on my fathers weekend for visitation. I spoke with my father about how awful he was for doing that to him. Him and I got into a huge fight on the phone and I hung up on him and didn't speak to him for 6 months. 

6 months passed and I started trying to make contact with my father again. We talked and he apologized for his behavior and I thought to myself ok, he has learned his lesson and maybe things will be different now. Over the last 8 years we would see each other occasionally visiting (which was awkward at times) and trying to repair the relationship we had. I got into arguments with him about not being around much as I was working 2 jobs and going to school for nursing full time. He was angry that I was not stopping to visit him even though I tried to stop out once a month if I could manage it. We fought about how I'm not a good daughter and I don't care about him. Then things would be better but the phases continued to cycle through. 

In the last 9 months I have been dating a new man who honestly has been absolutely wondeful to me. Supporting me and showing me unconditional love. Something I am not used to as I have been in multiple bad relationships. I have his support in dealing with my father. When this man and I got together, a month into our relationship I had started working at the nursing home per diem.. (meaning I only work when I want to essentially). I then also started woring for an inflatables company which I work side by side with my boyfriend. He and I both work multiple jobs and do not have a lot of free time but when we do we try and visit family, friends and spend quality time with each other. There are so many things going on in my life at the moment. My boyfriend and I are trying to save money to buy a house together. We want to get a house and start a family. So this has increased our drive to work harder. 

I called and made plans with my step mom to have dinner with my father because I do not see him unless I make plans with him. He doesn't make plans with me, EVER. We had dinner together and it was decent, no arguing or fighting but definitely some tension. I attempted to see him this past Sunday, however he was at work so I visited with my step mom and her daughter. I sent him a text a couple days later and apologized for not being around much and stating that I loved him and making him aware that I am so busy and it's not that I don't care about him. His response was.. "you have no problem spending all your time with your moms side". Instantly my stomach knotted and I sent a message back stating that I was not going to fight with him and tried to end the converstion and he retorted back with all these mean hurtful things. I have not yet responded..

I am at a loss as I am angry and hurt. I do not understand him and why he is the way he is. I have a lot of stress in my life between my 3 jobs and the push to get a house and my father and his childish behavior. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try to appease him and he is never happy.. I felt that an hour or two here and there would be better than nothing at all but apparently that is not good enough. I can't help seeing my mom all the time, one I live with her and two she invites me to things and takes the initiative to have a relationship with me. She knows I have a busy life so she gives me a few weeks advance notice for gatherings or makes plans well in advance so I can make sure I do not schedule myself to work my other jobs those days.. He doesn't give me the same courtesy and gets pissed stating I have all these excuses when I cannot come. He makes me crazy and makes me feel like garbage. I am so lost and stressed and do not know what else to do...So stressed out.