Stress stress stress

Well this is my first journal entry in over as year. Alot has been going on in my life and a lot of chnges have been happening. Im suffering in a codependent relationship with a guy who is amazing half the time but emotionally abusive as well. Ive been trying to quit drinking and smoking but its very hard and im having a hard time controlling myself or getting my stuff in order recently,. I live with my mother who u could call a support at times but other times a stresscase who really nags on my nerves constantly. I guess first things first i will get off of my chest how big of an asshole my boyfriend is being. i have quit drinking and partying and doing asnything because he is a control freak and makes me feel like if i do anything ill have to hear about it for six yerars afterwards. We dont live together as he is in the states playing hockey. he keeps repeatedly telling me he is going to quit drinking  because when he gets drunk he calls home and abuses me calling me a slut accussing me of being with other people and its just retarded. He hasnt quit drinking since hes been there which has been 4 times every munth for 3 munths. Im getting to the point where my selkf esteem is plummetting and im starting to believe the things he says about me to be the truth.  I really am suffering from this and ie told him it really bothers me and he is cold he does not care because is is very stubborn and when he puts his mind to do something it does not budge an inch so hes barely spoken to me and is acting like i dont matter right now when ive told him to go ahead and end it he wont apparently he loves me. Like there is no normalcy in this relationship im breaking at every point of my life other then my career. I thought about ending my life today because of all the pent up stress ive had on going and the depression i have sunken into is seeming very hard to crawl out of. I just wish hed see that i am a good caring wonderful person who just needs to be loved to be happy. theres the codependency in me not wanting to leave because hes a complete effing douchbag to me and even tho when im upset he makes it worse by preying on myt hurt feelings by blaming me for other things i do wrong as well. All ive done for him is be there and be supportive and now when it comes down to needing it back hes cold shouldering me and its complete fucking bullshit. this has all started since we decided to date long distance. ever since he left it has been a very very big struggle to hold all of this together and i feel its been me the whole time i feel he could walk away and could really care less and find someone new and be happy without me. i just dont get why  when i ask him to he wont. is that his stubborn way of saying i love u and am going to stay even if shit does get rough but im going to ignore all ur feelings and deal with it by just holding it all in and ingoring everything so our problems come out next time he drinks and flips out on me again ugh. I dont know its just all so frusterating to me because i try so effing hard andx am getting nothing. hes completely withdrawn any loving things hes done for me as well i get no more morning kisses no more cute msgs during the day to say hes thinking of me nothing. and i know i can fix it by pretending to be ok and by chatting him up talking him up and making it so everything seems to be ok but why should u have to do that then hell be happy yes and not care but me ill still be suffering with all of this shit inside of me about being ignored and him being cold i feel im being childish tho becausde i was abandoned by my dad and felt like my parents hated me my whole life so this cold shouldering is just reminding me of my childhood and how i was ignored and how it hurt so its effecting me worse then it should. i feel like my old best friend which is what he was before this whole distance thing is leaving me behing and that im losing him. but i do know the harder i dig in the further hell go and it wont change the outcome u cant make someone stay if they want to leave and i also shouldnt be sitting here in misery trying to fix the whole problem alone while he ignores it. Im just going to try my best to stay positive and build my character up and slowly pull away from focussing on him so much even tho it kills me because he is my addiction i will have to ween myself of fslowly and start doing ehat i like and staying busy to keep from rerouting back to my old self ive got as lot of work to do the next while and im very thankful that im starting right here.