Strange Dream
Today was a bad day. It seemed like no matter what I did nothing could shake this cloud over my head. I am on antidepressants, going to therapy, seeing friends and actively planning a new life. Yet, sometimes, I think he is all there is... And then I get pissed at how much he has robbed from me. Years and years of my life.
I was afraid this would happen when I met him. I pushed my fears aside and continued on... The biggest lesson I have learned from all of this is to TRUST MY GUT. It is never wrong. And my gut is telling me that for me to NEVER repeat these circumstances, I have to make a TOTAL shift of my life. I am scared shitless, but I am strong. I am stronger than I have ever been.
I used to be homeless. I forget that. It wasn't for very long, maybe a week. I learned the power of my body pretty quickly at that time, couch surfing from place to place.
***
Last night, I had a dream I was in NYC leading a group of at risk youth on tours of the city. We visited the home of a famous political rapper who mentored the kids. For some reason, I ended up staying with him when the kids were sent home. He dressed inconspicusly, casually, and told me to that he wanted to take me on a tour of the city. I followed him through Chinatown and the Bronx, and all of these places in between... Places where the people in the city had slipped through cracks and struggled to make a living like rats in the gutter. Places like the ones I used to see when I was homeless and/or had no money. The struggle for everyday life, so fierce and sharp... The hunger in everyone's eyes. I followed him silently as he pointed out places and things, introducing me to people he knew. For one panic'ed second, I lost sight of him in the swirling crowds. I was lost, and felt every bit the target, when my eyes hardened and the survivalist in me took over.
When we got back to his place, I took a shower in this big, white tiled room. As the steam filled the room, I felt suffocated, like I couldn't breathe. I pushed open the window, and as the fresh air pushed it's way in, I collapsed on the tiled floor... I cried and cried, big, heaving sobs. Suddenly, a big, white fluffy towel was wrapped around my shoulders. He held me in his arms. There was nothing sexual about it, no overatures, nothing, just sympathy.
Later, he made me some tea and we talked over his kitchen table. I was dressed in his sweats, wet and with racoon eyes, not caring how I looked and feeling... Just feeling how clean I felt. He said 'You needed this, didn't you?' I just nodded my head, my eyes welling with tears. His hand closed over mine, 'You are back now.' I just nodded, yes. I thought back to my house and car, the clothes in my closet and all of the things I owned. I didn't care about any of them, they all seemed so faded away and distant. I wondered why I ever needed them in the first place.
That evening, a friend of his came over that I was very attracted too... We were left alone and as the attraction grew, we ended up in the shower together. We were laughing and playing in the water, when we heard a fight break out on the street below. We went over to the window and watched as people fought over nothing, my eyes welled up again and in that instant I felt this overwhelming sense of compassion for everyone who was in pain. He touched my back, the passionate moment gone, said, 'you are special, you know that?'
As it grew later and later, I made my way to bed... Into the rapper's bed, because I didn't know where else to go. He came in so quitely, but woke me from my sleep... 'I don't want anything from you,' he said, as he climbed into bed next to me. 'I have a feeling it has been a long time since you have shared a bed where no one wanted anythng from you.' I started crying again, because it was so true. 'Who you are is enough.' Then he rolled over and went to sleep. I felt such immense gratitude, for him, for what he was offering me... A chance at peace where nothing else was expected of me. Even in my dream, I slept like a baby.
***
I woke up wondering what it all meant. The word 'revolution' was stuck in my head. When I was in college, I worked a lot on campaigning for human rights and was an activist. I wrote papers on people that sparked change, who corrected injustices. I focused on critical theory and the understanding of how injustices came to be and what could be done to change them. I worked with troubled youth and tried to reach out to them.
No amount of money mattered to me. I was still like this when I met him, my ex. I was so feverently fighting injustice. Over time, the sense of self-worth I had became external; materialistic. I thought, up until last night, that I bought things to replace the love and affection I was missing from him, now I realize it was really about how I felt about myself. He never supported me, and constantly ignored me when I brought up what I was passionate about. Always questioning me, looking for hidden motives, because no one could do a selfless act, selflessly. I began to doubt myself. Began to doubt that the work I did had any real value. Now I know that it did.
Now I know, and that is all that matters.
I am dreaming up, and creating, a new life for myself. Sometimes it is daunting. Sometimes, like today, it is literally moment by moment I force myself to go no contact. But each day I grow stronger, and I have to remember that too... And each day brings me closer to a new future, one that is authentic. Damn, it is hard tho...
I was afraid this would happen when I met him. I pushed my fears aside and continued on... The biggest lesson I have learned from all of this is to TRUST MY GUT. It is never wrong. And my gut is telling me that for me to NEVER repeat these circumstances, I have to make a TOTAL shift of my life. I am scared shitless, but I am strong. I am stronger than I have ever been.
I used to be homeless. I forget that. It wasn't for very long, maybe a week. I learned the power of my body pretty quickly at that time, couch surfing from place to place.
***
Last night, I had a dream I was in NYC leading a group of at risk youth on tours of the city. We visited the home of a famous political rapper who mentored the kids. For some reason, I ended up staying with him when the kids were sent home. He dressed inconspicusly, casually, and told me to that he wanted to take me on a tour of the city. I followed him through Chinatown and the Bronx, and all of these places in between... Places where the people in the city had slipped through cracks and struggled to make a living like rats in the gutter. Places like the ones I used to see when I was homeless and/or had no money. The struggle for everyday life, so fierce and sharp... The hunger in everyone's eyes. I followed him silently as he pointed out places and things, introducing me to people he knew. For one panic'ed second, I lost sight of him in the swirling crowds. I was lost, and felt every bit the target, when my eyes hardened and the survivalist in me took over.
When we got back to his place, I took a shower in this big, white tiled room. As the steam filled the room, I felt suffocated, like I couldn't breathe. I pushed open the window, and as the fresh air pushed it's way in, I collapsed on the tiled floor... I cried and cried, big, heaving sobs. Suddenly, a big, white fluffy towel was wrapped around my shoulders. He held me in his arms. There was nothing sexual about it, no overatures, nothing, just sympathy.
Later, he made me some tea and we talked over his kitchen table. I was dressed in his sweats, wet and with racoon eyes, not caring how I looked and feeling... Just feeling how clean I felt. He said 'You needed this, didn't you?' I just nodded my head, my eyes welling with tears. His hand closed over mine, 'You are back now.' I just nodded, yes. I thought back to my house and car, the clothes in my closet and all of the things I owned. I didn't care about any of them, they all seemed so faded away and distant. I wondered why I ever needed them in the first place.
That evening, a friend of his came over that I was very attracted too... We were left alone and as the attraction grew, we ended up in the shower together. We were laughing and playing in the water, when we heard a fight break out on the street below. We went over to the window and watched as people fought over nothing, my eyes welled up again and in that instant I felt this overwhelming sense of compassion for everyone who was in pain. He touched my back, the passionate moment gone, said, 'you are special, you know that?'
As it grew later and later, I made my way to bed... Into the rapper's bed, because I didn't know where else to go. He came in so quitely, but woke me from my sleep... 'I don't want anything from you,' he said, as he climbed into bed next to me. 'I have a feeling it has been a long time since you have shared a bed where no one wanted anythng from you.' I started crying again, because it was so true. 'Who you are is enough.' Then he rolled over and went to sleep. I felt such immense gratitude, for him, for what he was offering me... A chance at peace where nothing else was expected of me. Even in my dream, I slept like a baby.
***
I woke up wondering what it all meant. The word 'revolution' was stuck in my head. When I was in college, I worked a lot on campaigning for human rights and was an activist. I wrote papers on people that sparked change, who corrected injustices. I focused on critical theory and the understanding of how injustices came to be and what could be done to change them. I worked with troubled youth and tried to reach out to them.
No amount of money mattered to me. I was still like this when I met him, my ex. I was so feverently fighting injustice. Over time, the sense of self-worth I had became external; materialistic. I thought, up until last night, that I bought things to replace the love and affection I was missing from him, now I realize it was really about how I felt about myself. He never supported me, and constantly ignored me when I brought up what I was passionate about. Always questioning me, looking for hidden motives, because no one could do a selfless act, selflessly. I began to doubt myself. Began to doubt that the work I did had any real value. Now I know that it did.
Now I know, and that is all that matters.
I am dreaming up, and creating, a new life for myself. Sometimes it is daunting. Sometimes, like today, it is literally moment by moment I force myself to go no contact. But each day I grow stronger, and I have to remember that too... And each day brings me closer to a new future, one that is authentic. Damn, it is hard tho...
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