Strange Concept.

I had a strange connection this morning. First off though was the feeling that my life is a puzzle and that it seems that someone dumped about nine other puzzles in the box and mixed them up. Now I have to go through all the pieces to find the ones that belong to my puzzle, and I don't have the box with the picture on it to tell me what my puzzle is supposed to looklike! LOL! The strange connection may sound like an excuse, or explanation, so it is, even if it's just called a hypothesis. It involves the feelings of abuse. I read yesterday in the Support Groups section of a young woman who doesn't know whether she was molested or not, but was told that her sisters and a cousin were. It seems she's fishing for an excuse to feel codependent. Then there was a huge laundry list given of possible signs that seems to fit every conceivable dysfunction that relate to pathologies (to me at least!). So maybe that is what set up a connection in my mind. I feel like I have been abused, and yet I have no recollection any overt acts by my parents or anyone else; in fact I recalled never having been physically abused at all. I was a prety 'good'baby. Mom once told me that as an infant I was just as happy IN the playpen as OUT, and yet my older brother wasn't that way. What began to tie it together was the idea that I had allergies (which I've said before may have been a somatic reaction to wanting more breast-milk by physically expressing my rejection to "real' food; and could even connect to "I never get enough") and I had to get like 20 shots a week at an age that seems to be before starting Kindergarten. Then I got chicken pox and mom had to tape socks to my hands to keep me from scratching the scabs. Poor Richard, right? I don't feel that's it. It would be a good excuse, but not correct.  The strange idea, and I don't kmow how I put this together like this, is that I was loved TOO much. I was really cute, all the family adored me, and I didn't have to DO anything to get hugs and be accepted. What a catastrophe'! Here's the other viewpoint. I was taught that I would be loved and appreciated because I was who I was. I didn't have to Do anything to 'earn' the good feelings, it was my identity. That's what was "supposed" to happen all the time. Everyone, it seemed, loved to give me hugs and talk about how cute I was. The problem is I grew up with that concept and it doesn't work as a adult. The abuse was that I was over-coddled and was taught to expect it from everyone; even now! It gave me a twisted sense of reality. In reality, that doesn't work in the real world. Not everyone agrees with my overprotective parents. And so I'm angry and depressed now because things are "wrong". I keep doing the same thing with a belief in the same entitlements, AND IT DOESN'T WORK! So naturally everyone must be "wrong" and "Don't get it" on nhow I'm "supposed" to be treated! I'm wondering if this is the smoking gun concering career and resume' and asking for work; which is based on continual rejection for me asking others to play my little "game" of false image and expectations? I'm also wondering how many other little princes and princesses suffer from the same imprinting, if, in fact, this is a plausible explanation or excuse for feeling abused now? The abuse was/is a false concept of how to get love and affection from "others" and my "environment. A false representation of how to get my needs met. It could be why I keep isolated, the constant rejection of people to logically disagree with my understanding of how I expected to get rewarded. (And remember, I said it was a strange connection.) It may not be true, and it may not matter; unless it's a 'cure'. Then if I get healthy because of being aware of it as a likely cause of my current unhappiness, it matters, and has meaning for me whether it does for anyone else or not.  Merry Christmas, Comments? Related to this is may be the idea that I don't have to like myself, everyone has always done that for me. And worst yet, and connected to the above: "These people must be crazy, they like me whether I do anything or not". It feels like there was a malfunction in the reward/punishmant scheme that I was taught. (It may be just crazy enough to have a measure of truth in it afterall. Right now I'm combing my feelings to see what falls out. These feelings are not "well-thought-out", they're just feelings unedited for sense or justification for writing them.)