Story

Some people say that we may not remember things the way that they really were when we were younger. That maybe our minds purposefully forgot what really happened to protect us, to keep us from being hurt more than we already were. I support in many cases this is true in my life. I can't really explain much, though, without starting from the beginning of it all.
It started twice, and came together much later.

It started with him, where he was born, I'm not entirely sure, but I can tell you that he was adopted. Him and his twin, fatherless, not biologically, but because she didn't know who their father was, ended up in Oakland, Ca where they spent a big part of their childhood until they relocated to Redding, Ca. His childhood was never talked about, so nobody but his sister really knows what all happened other than that he was really close to his mom. He was a young adult, got into trouble, went to prison for a year at the young age of 23.

Than you have her, a woman that was born in Washington but spent most of her childhood in and around Redding, Ca. Her childhood was very difficult and filled with abuse and family refusing to see it for what it really was. As a result she lashed out, was very difficult as a teenager, partied, drank, and got pregnant and married at a very young age.
One child came, healthy and adorable, and her second child came, healthy and adorable as well, but there was a huge problem that couldn't be ignored. He was very abusive, and her health and wellbeing were always a concern, as a result, she ended the relationship and just like that, became a single mom.

Somewhere along her path, she met him, and their relationship grew very strong and he became her two sons father figure. After a tubal pregnancy, hope seemed distant.
It seems that she was supposed to have more children, because before she knew it, she was pregnant, and carrying two babies.

All seemed well, she was showing everyone that hurt her that she could lead a normal life. He took on the father role for her two sons from the marriage before him, and they raised their healthy beautiful twins. The happiness only lasted for so long. A year into the twin's lives, he became an alcoholic and abusive. When they were two, they split up.
Four kids with the most dysfunctional childhood from the beginning it seemed.
One of those twins, was me.
I am the only girl, with three brothers.
Of course at the age of two I had absolutely no idea what was happening, all I knew was having two households, two phone numbers, two of every holiday, being fought over and I hated it.
I was 5 when the abuse began. I started off as very subtle, so much so that I thought it was normal for a father to touch his daughter in the way that he did. I thought it was normal until my mom found out and freaked out, but still never did anything about it so it only continued. It also got worse as a result of my mom finding out. The emotional abuse began, the physical abuse soon followed and the sexual abuse intensified with time.
My uncle found out and took the opportunity to sexually abuse me as well for almost a year.

At some point she found her way to more abusive boyfriends because it's all that she thought that she deserved, but we didn't deserve to watch her boyfriends break her nose, arms, leaving bruises everywhere, etc. maybe she was oblivious to the fact that they were abusive to us too, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the pills or the drugs that she chose to indulge in but she was always unavailable to us kids emotionally. She tried to kill herself several times, she stole from stores. Eventually she used us kids to help her steal from stores.
All the while as both households were in ruins for us, my older brothers were taken away from my mom from their father, and we found out that my twin brother has Aspergers, also known as autism spectrum disorder, and I became his mother.
By the age of 10, I was already grown, I was an adult emotionally. Nothing could have prepared me for losing my mom to prison though.
That, is where life really began to spin out of control. It gave my father freedom to abuse me in any way he desired.
This is when I started cutting myself.
By this time I had began continually blocking the abuse out. It had reached the phase of rape, severe rape and on a regular basis.
I learned to go somewhere else in my mind and I blocked it out once it was done. I became very zombie like and the only way my mind would recognize what was happening was always being paranoid and scared to death of becoming pregnant.
I had nightmares about it. Nightmares of getting pregnant and him killing me if it happened or forcing me to get an abortion.
At 13, I made my first of many suicide attempts.
Until I turned 14 this continued.
It may have ended but not really.
It never stopped running through my mind, it never stopped haunting me.
The flashbacks, the nightmares and the pain has never stopped and has yet to lessen.
The self-harm continues and it's a daily battle not to end my life.