Still Unhappy

I'm still very unhappy in my relationship. I still don't know how to get him out of my life.

Yesterday we had to go visit his dad and step mom. At first I was glad. I thought maybe I could ask his dad for help. Wrong. They are bad people and strange. I might as well have been invisible. The only times I was acknowledged was with put downs. I think maybe all along they have been pushing him to play and use me. I'm getting so paranoid idk who to trust anymore.

When I was with my ex I wasn't allowed to see my friends and family anymore or have anyone at the house. That was my first relationship so I didn't understand that he was isolating me so he could abuse me and I would have no one to turn to for help or escape.

The point is, being with my ex distanced me from friends and family that I used to be close to. I keep trying to rebuild those bonds but my current relationship makes that extremely difficult. I have to spend so much time and money on him that I rarely have anything left for friends or family. I'm tied down with this mentally ill immature irresponsible person who bleeds me dry every day.

I've lost count of the number of times I have tried to break up with him. The last time he got a knife out of the kitchen and came toward me with it. Idk if he wanted to hurt me or himself.

I recently got to go spend some time on my family farm with my uncle. He told me he thinks my fiance is on meth. He told me he is just using me. More sadly he told me he won't walk me down the aisle if it's for that piece of shit. Not that I plan on marrying my fiance. I'm just stuck with him. I feel like I disappoint my uncle and he may die before I ever get married.

My uncle also says he thinks my fiance is abusive and causing my adrenal problem. He told me that just because a guy doesn't beat on me or even scream at me, doesn't mean he isn't abusive. He said that living with a mentally ill person causes stress. He is right when he said I probably am in fear every day. I am. My uncle also said my fiance verbally abuses me. I never knew that before. I probably do the same to him.

My uncle sounds pretty reasonable idk if I should listen to him because he cares or if he has some ulterior motive. My mom doesn't like my uncle because she says he is a bossy know it all. His daughter has a master's degree in psychology and is a behavior therapist. I talked to her too and she says there are many things about my fiance's and his family's behaviour that sends up red flags to her. She also says he is a drugee.

My fiance is a drugee but his psychiatrist is supposed to be helping him. I didn't know he was like that when we got together. He says it is just weed but I hate that shit too. Lately he is spending a lot of money on something and won't tell me what. My uncle thinks he is a cheater too. Idk.

I'm just sad and lonely. I have this burden person and I don't want to be with him dealing with his addictions or adjusting to medication. I am not his parents. Why do I have to be responsible for him? Everyone tells me it isn't ever going to get better. I always thought relationship stuff got better with time. Now people are telling me that's only if it starts out good. We only got together because he lost his job and got out of the hospital and had nowhere to go. I tried to do the right thing and now I'm being punished for it.

I'm sick of just having to pretend everything is ok and distract myself so I don't remember I'm so miserable. Idk how to get rid of this misery. I think it's him causing it but it could be my health issues. When I tell him I want him out of my life he freaks out and threatens to kill himself or he comes up with excuses that i find out later are lies. I'm so sick of being lied to. Idk who all is lying because I don't understand liars. It's not something in my range of abilities. I don't understand drug addicts because I don't do drugs or have addiction. I don't understand mentally ill people because I am sane. I just wish I could get my body working again. It's so hard to function and I question is my fiance making me sick or do I have something wrong with me that makes me unable to love him or be in a relationship?

I just keep trying to get thru every day until I get some answers and find more strength.