Still swimming

My sister, my kindred soul, my friend,  I have thought so much about what we have talked about.  You say you talk too much about you but that is not true.  We wear the same shoes and only the names have changed.  You in your vulnerability help me to feel what has been buried too deep for too long.  Again I can stop and look into myself and wonder am I really any different for all that I have been through.  Has all my therapy and medication and life experience helped me to achieve the happiness and inner peace I so long for.  I see you and it is almost looking into a mirror.  Our fears, faults and failures sseem to be what we take with us as we try to move forward. 
You said something very profound today.  I have been turning it over in my mind again and again.  It was your message of hope spoken in tears.  That even in your most desperate of times you chose to keep swimming.  The inner strength you possess without awareness of it.  Somewhere in you lost as you may feel you know you are worth fighting for.
And that my friend is why I will keep swimming too.



oh Lost, How I long for this peace that we both seek. I can\'t tell you enough how much your time talking to me gives me a sense of hope. Those fears, faults and failures must be metamorphosed just like the awkward looking caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly so we can be free. This is why I created the name freecannon back when I was in college 14 years ago. And I\'m still looking for my wings.

I feel that I\'ve lost so much. Me wanting to be free and you feeling you lost yourself somewhere... What a pair. Both of us feeling lost and wanting to be free of all this pain that cycles over and over.

I tried to make my trip happen.. Ended up getting upset that my so called friends that I never ask to help and whom I have helped in the past made me feel like I was burdening them even though they wanted to help me. Long story... But I confessed to my husband what I wanted to do and he said he wouldn\'t have been mad if I showed up. My friend made me feel that I would get disappointed if he were with friends even though I told her I doubt it.

My husband listened to me for another hour tonight after I told him we never had enough time together, that we place all our energy on our daughter and not enough on us as a unit. And I told him that even my daughter thought it was a great idea for just me and him to be together for a change.

But I got emotional and felt that I was a burden with my friends who were willing but one of them gave me a lecture about short notice and wanting me to not do something at the spur of the moment. See, I let people and my own fears get the best of me and ruined it for my daughter by getting upset.

The only thing good that came out of it was when I confessed to my husband I wanted to surprise him. I think he liked the idea in a way, but of course he won\'t come out and say it except that he wouldn\'t be mad if I came and he didn\'t think I would like the trip. See, this is his way. Oh what we do to each other all because of the lack of communication and trying to read between the lines.

I guess I just keep swimming.