Still Sicidal, but maybe better...

I am still feeling the urge of suicide. It comes and goes, I am not thinking at about it all day as I have been in the past. Yesterday Ti and I went and bout fireworks and him, his friends and I went and shot them off in an abandoned parking lot in Golden. It was really fun and we all enjoyed it. I wish I had my own friends to spend that time with. Since independence day falls on a Sunday this year many of the festivities are happening tomorrow night. I am going to my mom's for the weekend and we're having all of the neighbors over for dinner and then a walk to the lake for fireworks.
 
My parents are pressing me hard to get a job and I agree I need one and I want one. It will get my mind off of things and get me a little money at the same time. I just simply don't like pressure.
 
But why am I still feeling so down? I am so depressed, just thankfully I cover it up. I don't know if that's a good thing or something that I should steer away from covering up my feelings. Should I show people how depressed I really am. I don't think I would get hired that way. But I don't know if it is healthy to keep this all in. I don't trust therapists or doctors because I am scared that I am going to get send to the hospital against my will, because they think I am going to hurt myself or someone else. Well, I know that I am never going to hurt anyone, but why are they so concerned what I do to myself? I don't know how concerning my life is to everyone else. Although, I am really tired of this. I want to stop suffering it seems like I am suffering. What am I feeling? Is this normal and people just don't talk about it or am I really crazy? I need to see a therapist. I want one that can do hypnosis, I think that helped me a bit in the past.
 
I am going to go watch a movie and forget about it.
 
Goodnight moon.