So I'm still sick. Despite the Zicam and the Airborne and all of the other medications. My head hurts, my eyes water and I keep coughing. I think I'm losing my voice too. And work has asked me if I'm ready to go back. I feel like I have to say yes. I wish I were "better" physically so I could gauge how my mental/emotional self is doing. It's hard to tell if I'm feeling miserable due to the cold alone or because I'm still depressed. I mean, the thoughts I'm having now are different than the ones I was having at my worst in the depression. I'm not hating myself as much or berating myself as much. I take that as a good sign. But, I feel bad that on top of having gotten so depressed, I now have been sick....this adds to the list of things that needs to get done around the house - the things I thought I could do to try and change my lifestyle so I would be more balanced and be "better" when I got back to work. I know that I shouldn't focus on the impending go-back-to-work deadline as something so huge, that the pressure of feeling like everything has to be perfect before I go back to work, is probably more stressful than useful and that in the long run, I don't want to worry myself into a panic attack when I go back to work. I guess saying some of it out loud helps. I am worried that when I go back to work, I won't be ready and that I'll end up hyperventilating, throwing up and crying again. Feeling trapped. And then what will I do? I can't afford to lose my job in this economy. ha. I know. No one can. I know I am very lucky. I have friends and family who love me. I am in a good relationship. I have a roof over my head. I am getting the help I need. I don't have to fix everything all at once.... I feel like I have to keep repeating it so I believe it. I am scared. But I don't want to be.