Still sick

So I'm still sick.  Despite the Zicam and the Airborne and all of the other medications.  My head hurts, my eyes water and I keep coughing.  I think I'm losing my voice too. And work has asked me if I'm ready to go back.  I feel like I have to say yes.  I wish I were "better" physically so I could gauge how my mental/emotional self is doing.  It's hard to tell if I'm feeling miserable due to the cold alone or because I'm still depressed.  I mean, the thoughts I'm having now are different than the ones I was having at my worst in the depression.  I'm not hating myself as much or berating myself as much.  I take that as a good sign. But, I feel bad that on top of having gotten so depressed, I now have been sick....this adds to the list of things that needs to get done around the house - the things I thought I could do to try and change my lifestyle so I would be more balanced and be "better" when I got back to work. I know that I shouldn't focus on the impending go-back-to-work deadline as something so huge, that the pressure of feeling like everything has to be perfect before I go back to work, is probably more stressful than useful and that in the long run, I don't want to worry myself into a panic attack when I go back to work. I guess saying some of it out loud helps. I am worried that when I go back to work, I won't be ready and that I'll end up hyperventilating, throwing up and crying again.  Feeling trapped.  And then what will I do?  I can't afford to lose my job in this economy.  ha.  I know.  No one can.   I know I am very lucky.  I have friends and family who love me.  I am in a good relationship.  I have a roof over my head.  I am getting the help I need.  I don't have to fix everything all at once.... I feel like I have to keep repeating it so I believe it. I am scared.  But I don't want to be.