STILL SEARCHING....

June 24, 2009:  I "chatted", again, with an EMT that was on the scene the day Scott died.  She was also his friend.  I am still struggling with the "what if's". She, very candidly, told me that even if I had gone in, when I heard that "funny breath", Scott was probably already brain dead.  His doctor told me that, too.  Or, he would've been severly brain damaged, or had cerebal palsy.  (If Scott lived, and was at all aware that he was not "normal", he would've killed himself.  He was too vain.) Anyway, it helped.  I have always beat myself up over not going in.  Maybe it was meant to be that I didn't.  I am not sure I could've helped him at any point, that day.   I think his organs were shutting down the day before. We were in the pool the day before he died.  He was complaining of chest pain and difficulty breathing.  I told him he needed to take it easy and on Monday he was going back into re-hab. He was okay with that.  Of course, for him, Monday never came.  And, he went out that night, anyway.  If I had even had a clue that my son was dying, I would've done everything/ANYTHING to stop it. But, maybe I did know.  I told the boy he left with, "If you have anything to do with what Scott is doing, DON'T!  He is going to die."  I actually said that, on my front porch, before they left. The little bastard actually shook my hand.  ( I later found out he was quite the enabler/user.)  And, a few days before Scott died, I had a conversation with a co-worker, that didn't say that in so many words, but was full of concern!  The week prior to Scott's death was one of the worst of his "using".  I think I didn't do enough.  On the other hand, I did so much. I am trying, very hard, to realize his addiction was HIS!  I really, really, tried to help.  I did all I knew to do.  I am not trying to escape my responsibility, but trying to come to terms that it was not all my fault.  Am I wrong?   I wish Scott was here.  I wish I was still going through, and trying to help him, with his addiction.  I would have that, any day, over not having him.  But, I am trying to help me get through his not being here.  And, that means, looking at his part, as well.   This is HARD!  I carry such guilt over my son's death.  Like some of you, and unlike many, I was there.  It was an accident...he did not mean to die.  And yet, it was not like the car accidents, the bike accidents, the murders, etc.  His death was random.  And yet, it was not.  In spite of repeated talks, treatment, etc., he continued to use.  It is though his death was suicide without intent.  Does that make any sense? Oh, I do hope I don't sound crazy.  But, if I do, it is because I truly do feel crazy!