STILL SEARCHING....
June 24, 2009: I "chatted", again, with an EMT that was on the scene the day Scott died. She was also his friend. I am still struggling with the "what if's". She, very candidly, told me that even if I had gone in, when I heard that "funny breath", Scott was probably already brain dead. His doctor told me that, too. Or, he would've been severly brain damaged, or had cerebal palsy. (If Scott lived, and was at all aware that he was not "normal", he would've killed himself. He was too vain.) Anyway, it helped. I have always beat myself up over not going in. Maybe it was meant to be that I didn't. I am not sure I could've helped him at any point, that day. I think his organs were shutting down the day before. We were in the pool the day before he died. He was complaining of chest pain and difficulty breathing. I told him he needed to take it easy and on Monday he was going back into re-hab. He was okay with that. Of course, for him, Monday never came. And, he went out that night, anyway. If I had even had a clue that my son was dying, I would've done everything/ANYTHING to stop it. But, maybe I did know. I told the boy he left with, "If you have anything to do with what Scott is doing, DON'T! He is going to die." I actually said that, on my front porch, before they left. The little bastard actually shook my hand. ( I later found out he was quite the enabler/user.) And, a few days before Scott died, I had a conversation with a co-worker, that didn't say that in so many words, but was full of concern! The week prior to Scott's death was one of the worst of his "using". I think I didn't do enough. On the other hand, I did so much. I am trying, very hard, to realize his addiction was HIS! I really, really, tried to help. I did all I knew to do. I am not trying to escape my responsibility, but trying to come to terms that it was not all my fault. Am I wrong? I wish Scott was here. I wish I was still going through, and trying to help him, with his addiction. I would have that, any day, over not having him. But, I am trying to help me get through his not being here. And, that means, looking at his part, as well. This is HARD! I carry such guilt over my son's death. Like some of you, and unlike many, I was there. It was an accident...he did not mean to die. And yet, it was not like the car accidents, the bike accidents, the murders, etc. His death was random. And yet, it was not. In spite of repeated talks, treatment, etc., he continued to use. It is though his death was suicide without intent. Does that make any sense? Oh, I do hope I don't sound crazy. But, if I do, it is because I truly do feel crazy!
Replies
After hearing about so many people who nearly die or \'should\'ve\' died and those who did die where others would have survived, the more I think that we all have our time and we go when we are \'meant to\'. Our boys are in a much better place, it is us who suffer, those of us left behind. I think that those who are taken are the lucky ones. Imagine if Scott had lived and been brain damaged or Frazer had survived and been a complete tetraplegic and unable to breathe without a ventilator... neither of them would have thanked us for keeping them alive when they wouldn\'t be able to do anything for themselves. Unfortunately we get left with the guilt and the \'what ifs\' but as cliched as it sounds, it is true that we cannot turn back the clock and letting guilt in just eats away at us. Scott made his own choices, he was well past an age where you could make them for him, just as it would have been unreasonable of me to stop Frazer going to the BMX track that day even though everytime he jumped his bike, my heart jumped even higher. Take care of you my dear friend. Throw the guilt away, it has no place in your life. Big hugs, Charlotte.
we are all crazy after our child has died...we all question ourselves about how could we have helped...how could we have known...what could we have done???? When I questioned God about why He \"took\" my son...He told me (that inner voice we all have) I did not \"take\" your son....I \"have\" your son. To me that was an enlightening moment. I could not have come up with that on my own. I hope you don\'t beat yourself up too much. Please find some peace in the positive things you did to save your son. Love to you in Christ....Dale, Brandon\'s Mom
You do not sound crazy and it was not your fault. You loved your son, you did everything that knew to do for him you are not guilty of anything. We are mothers and we WANT to take responsibility for anything our children do. But, that is so unrealistic. Our children make choices in life that lead to certain outcome. My Alex chose to buy a motorcycle...this increased his odds that in an accident he would be more likely to be severely injured or killed. I knew this, I never wanted him to get one, I COULD have nagged him not to buy one...but I didn\'t...am I guilty of not doing everything that I could have done? Also, addictions are not something that you or your son could control. The control is lost the moment they consume whatever their addictor is...the control has to begin before they consume...and IF they are addicted not consuming is too powerful for them...that is the reason that they have to go into rehab or whatever. YOU did everything you could do for Scott...I feel it becomes our choice whether to feel guilty or not...so choose to let go of the guilt...and hang on to your absolute, complete love for your precious son. Love you friend...Karen
i also carry the guilt of joeys drug addiction and subsequent accidental OD..i know. hugs me
Ginger, I know that same guilt.. I too feel the pain of guilt, that I could of saved my son ryan from his drug overdose...My dad told me, ryan took the drug, not me... He said, if he wasn\'t using drugs, it wouldn\'t of happened... It\'s the what if\'s... I\'m walking beside you my friend.. Love Ya, Kelly
Hon, we all have guilt over our child\'s death. We are mothers after all, we feel \"we should have DONE something\",...my son\'s drug of choice was alcohol. Inherited no doubt from his father. He had gone inpt by himself, did his AA, sought counseling and his sponsors, took his meds,...but then he died anyway, it is NOT my fault, but I still feel guilt,...It is NOT YOUR fault, but I understand why you feel as you do,...and it is a normal part of the grieving process. It is what it is! Sooo hard for us Moms left behind,... Tight hugs and prayers for you today! Judy
Ginger, don\'t let yourself feel guilty or thank you are crazy. You are a good mom & you did everything that you could to help him. I am like kingsdaughter said we are all a little crazy after our child dies. Just remember Scott loved you . He was old enough & made his own chooses. It is very hard on us that are still here to really understand why....Hugs, Connie
Ginger, the \"what if\'s\" drive us all crazy. I always wonder \"what if I had stayed home from church that morning\"....but we really can\'t or would not have been able to change anything. I too believe, that when it is our time, that\'s it. Your love for Scott and the fact that you were a great mom to him is so obvious...please don\'t let any guilt feelings drive you crazy....you have nothing to feel guilty about. We just have to try to remember that our children are now safe in the arms of God and one day we will hold them in our arms again. Sending you a hug, Kim
Oh Ginger, you have said so much that would be what I could say! I have spent countless hours wondering why Michael\'s friend did not check on my son sooner, do more etc. When he found my son, he was already turning purple and drooling from the mouth. I am sorry to be so graphic but I believe that my son was already gone when they found him. Sure, he had a faint pulse, but his brain was gone. I would not have wanted my son to live like that. Because he would not have wanted that. I try to torture myself with things going back to when Michael was an infant! Maybe I should not have forced him to stop breast feeding at 8 months. Maybe this, maybe that. But it does not bring them back. Although the \"what-ifs\" will be in our minds for always, we have to recognize that they don\'t change what we need to accept. Drug addiction is epidemic, that is a sad fact. It has nothing to do with us being bad mothers. Love to you, Belinda
Dear, dear Ginger, You do not sound crazy. You sound like you\'re working hard to come to terms w/ whatever the facts of Scotts life and death are. There comes a point in our children\'s lives when they are responsible for their choices. Of course we want to stop them from doing things that can hurt them, but they are making their own decisions (even if they are bad ones). We can offer support or guidance but usually that is not what they want. Scott was fighting his demons, whatever they were, however they came to be. But they were his demons to fight. Just as we now have our own demons to fight. One of the demons we must fight is not blaming ourselves for our son\'s choices. What if\'s won\'t change what is. We can\'t go back and change anything even if we knew for sure it would save our sons. It will only drive us to dispare to allow ourselves to go there. Stay strong! Sending you love and hugs, Cyn
Dear Ginger, I think we all look at the what if\'s and think if I had done this or that but you are not at fault here. I have done the same thing Julia had been diagnosed with diabetes 1 year prior and then a few weeks before she passed she was sick with a stomach bug, vomiting etc...she had been to the ER and they had given her fluids then she saw her doctor that said it was a virus but she could not shake it. She went back to the doctor and then was put on antibiotics because it was hanging on so long. Mother\'s Day she was feeling better and we went out for lunch she said It feels so good to be able to eat. Tuesday we were supposed to drive up to Ashville but Monday night she said she was tired and just didn\'t feel good and just wanted to rest since since she had to go into work early Wednesday for an inservice. I of course said that would be fine. She was found Tuesday afternoon in her home, her organs had failed. I beat myself up for months and it still creeps in. I have worked in healthcare for years and now teach allied health courses. Why did I not realize she was so sick, why did I not go over to her house, why did I not call her, maybe if.....maybe if...what awful words. Ginger all we can do is realize we loved them with our whole heart and would have done anything in this world for them but we are not to blame.
I pray you can find a peace with this and know you had done all you could.
Sending love and prayers to you.
Denice
You\'re not crazy and IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. We all walk around with guilt that belongs to no one. It weighs us down and colors our world. Guilt never does any good, we all need to let go. Our lives are funny things, somewhere in your mind you knew Scott was going die, if we listened to our inner selves we would know but be unable to stop anyway. What will be, will be. I must believe that, as the day I saw John\'s new bike, I knew it would kill him but did I say anything, no. We cannot change it but we can let of the guilt. You and me too Love and hugs Cathy
Dear Ginger, I have come to think of addiction as a suicide that is comitted, slowly, from day to day, month to month and even year to year, Some people seem to surrive it for a very long time, and others like your son and mine don\'t.(my son died at 29 on April 3, 2003.) I struggled with guilt for a long time,after Paul\'s overdose. Thinking what if I had though of more to do, or done diffrently. All that was, was a waste of energy and strength that I needed to get better.My counseler had his work cut out for him. We were dealing with all those issues and in July of 2006, I was diagnosed with Breast cancer. I thought dealing with cancer operations,chemo and radiation treatments was easier and less painful than loosing my son. I though I could do that because I had already surrvived the worst when Paul died.Then I has hit again with my other son\'s (Steven\'s) suicide. My youngest son was just goofing around with poererful drugs he did not know about. My older son was depressed and mad because his brother who was 5 years younger than him died first. It was out of the natural, order of things. Well No Shit? I wonder how he thought I felt, and how my mother felt, and how his father felt! My husband,James and Steven were best friends for many years, Knew each other before I met James. James found Steven\'s body, and I had never seen James as lost as he was that day. I had never seen him loose it. When he came in to tell me, I knew when I knew his face. James was crying, and his whole body was just beyond shaking, it was jerkinging as if he wee a puppet on a string. For about 15 minutes I was actually comsorting James, and telling him, we would get through this. By then James had regained his self, and he was Thanking God that HE was the one who found Steven, He thanked God it was not me or My grandson. What an unselfish and wondeful man . I am so blessed to be loved and cared for so much. I felt and stil feel anger at Steven at times. I never was angry at Paul much, because he did not mean to leave us. Steven choose, and carefully planned it. Then 3 days after Steven\'s memorial service, his half sister(same father, I was boys Mom not Karla\'s) shot and killed herself. James and I not only had to dtive 100 miles to idetify her body at the Trama Center in Tampa, but then we had to go pick up her 16 and 8 yr. old girls and tell them. That was beyond awful. I still and angry at both Steven and Karla. (she was only 33.) No I was not there for any of mine, but I feel like I should have been. So we are pretty much screwed which ever way it went. Don\'t you think? I fight the grief, and I fight the anger I for the life of me annot even say which is the worst. SO, Ginger,I thank you for your journals. You seem to struggle with some of the same demons as I di. God bless you, I wish you did not know this stuff. I wish you never had to feel any of this. If there was a way I could remove this from anybody, I would. I canot help, change or even find any words of comfort. It had made me so crazy some days! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your insights. I find you make sense to me a lot of the time. I don\'t know if that uis good or not, I cannot tell anymore! Too confusing. I keep you in my thoughts, and prayers. I pray God will have mercy and give us a small bit of peace. Love,Peggy