Still on the roller coaster
It has been a long time since I was on here. I guess the meds had me feeling functional enough that I didn't feel compelled to write or visit the site. And there's something depressing about reading about so much other pain.
I've been on and off a host of other medicines since last I wrote. If I started to feel better in one way, something else would go wrong. I remember starting Abilify and feeling great. I was a convert. I thought it had fixed everything! But a few weeks in on a higher dose, I began to feel exhausted. I didn't realize that at too high a dose, Abilify can have the opposite effect of what is expected: loss of energy and fatigue. So I had to back down off the Abilify. The doctor tried to find other meds to help with my general malaise. If the sedation was helped, then I began to feel extremely anxious. The anxiety was debilitating. The thought of doing anything at all would make me feel anxious. Walking down the block. Driving down the road. Going to the doctor. It was hard while feeling it to realize it wasn't really "me."
I've since been taken off Pristiq and Lamotrigine, which were contributing to the anxiety and taken off Oleptro which was causing sedation and put on Cymbalta. The first few weeks on Cymbalta were horrible. I experienced constant and debilitating nausea. I was barely eating and it was horrible. Tomorrow will mark the third week of Cymbalta. So far I can't tell if I'm reaping any of the benefits yet. I do know that I've been really down since dealing with all of the side effects from the medications over the past few months. And I feel like I'm losing hope. I'm tired. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever really feel better or normal again. I have read so much about depression over the years, but have been feeling so bad that I am revisiting the literature to see proof that I am not in fact, crazy, but that I am actually, just depressed. Not "just" but you know what I mean.
Somehow reading about other people's experiences while saddening me to a certain extent, helps me too.
I feel ashamed that I've been in bed and not working or doing anything else for weeks now. It makes me feel awful about myself. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm lazy and a loser. I know these feelings of guilt and worthlessness are part of depression. It just helps to get the feelings out there.
I've been on and off a host of other medicines since last I wrote. If I started to feel better in one way, something else would go wrong. I remember starting Abilify and feeling great. I was a convert. I thought it had fixed everything! But a few weeks in on a higher dose, I began to feel exhausted. I didn't realize that at too high a dose, Abilify can have the opposite effect of what is expected: loss of energy and fatigue. So I had to back down off the Abilify. The doctor tried to find other meds to help with my general malaise. If the sedation was helped, then I began to feel extremely anxious. The anxiety was debilitating. The thought of doing anything at all would make me feel anxious. Walking down the block. Driving down the road. Going to the doctor. It was hard while feeling it to realize it wasn't really "me."
I've since been taken off Pristiq and Lamotrigine, which were contributing to the anxiety and taken off Oleptro which was causing sedation and put on Cymbalta. The first few weeks on Cymbalta were horrible. I experienced constant and debilitating nausea. I was barely eating and it was horrible. Tomorrow will mark the third week of Cymbalta. So far I can't tell if I'm reaping any of the benefits yet. I do know that I've been really down since dealing with all of the side effects from the medications over the past few months. And I feel like I'm losing hope. I'm tired. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever really feel better or normal again. I have read so much about depression over the years, but have been feeling so bad that I am revisiting the literature to see proof that I am not in fact, crazy, but that I am actually, just depressed. Not "just" but you know what I mean.
Somehow reading about other people's experiences while saddening me to a certain extent, helps me too.
I feel ashamed that I've been in bed and not working or doing anything else for weeks now. It makes me feel awful about myself. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm lazy and a loser. I know these feelings of guilt and worthlessness are part of depression. It just helps to get the feelings out there.
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