Still need to focus

My body is feeling swollen and uncomfortable.  This is a feeling that never seems to go away these days.  It is distracting, distructive, debuilitating, depressing, and any other "D" word I can think of.  I'm trying to focus, but it is hard to hold my thoughts together.  The physical pain/discomfort interfers.  Then come the thoughts to take me to unhelpful places. 
I'm tired of fighting.  Just for a while I'd like to be able to move my life forward without my immune system beating me up the whole time.  Is it too much to ask to hold a baby in my arms without getting sick? or go to the movies in a theater? I can accept that restruants are a thing of the past, I can't spontaneously kiss my husband, or travel without major planning.  But to fear holding my niece, or a friends new born...showing love.  How can I ever come to terms with that?
How can I expect others to understand when I'm not sure I can.  How can I focus when the noose of isolation seems to be growing tighter and tigher?  The light of hope dimmer and dimmer? 
A Leper without leperacy.  Untouchable.