still having trouble
I was determined to get back on track but that didn't go so well. I had a real craving for birthday cake. I'm sure it's because my birthday this got overshadowed my extenuating circumstances. anyway, I decided I should have a birthday cake so I bought me one. Thought I'd have a piece and get it out of my system. Just as I'm about to eat a piece my brother calls me and needs me to take him back into emergency. Turns out he's ok, but I didn't get back home til midnight and still had the cake on my mind. felt cheated not getting it, so I had a huge slice at midnight with ice cream. then for breakfast had another slice. I think it boils down to feeling neglected on my real birthday, then when I decide to have my own celebration that gets interupted too. I still feel cheated and I know eating more cake will not take away that feeling, but I will probably keep eating cake til it's gone. I don't know what the problem is. I don't usually get any kind of celebration for my birthday anyway, but for some reason this year it felt bad. Sometimes I just wish there was someone in my life that cared enough about me to want to do something really specaiol. I would like someone to go whole hogg and just do something really incredible for me. Something that requires though and even sacrafice on their part. I guess I'm being selfish but I've done those kinds of things for others and no one has ever reciprocated. Its not that I want expensive gifts, I'm not materialistic at all, but I want to know that someone cares enough to do something that costs them something (time, money, whatever) for me. I want to be someone special to someone, not just an after thought. Wow, this journal did not go where I thought it would. I was just going to write about my craving for cake, but I think it will do me good to get these feelings out.