still haven't done a thing.
Every emotion that I feel. Every time I think of her, are all the same feeling. There not pleasant. There not happy or make me smile and giggle within. They make me look towards the floor. They make feel sorry for myself. And not the sorry as I'm apologetic towards myself. It's the kind of sorry as "I'm a sorry ass human being". Even for myself I have no love inside. I wish I didn't fuck up so bad. I honest to God think I can make good decisions and choices. I was raised in the streets. I stayed there pretty much of my whole life. And I can say I had a good head on my shoulders. Always inputting a good point. Always thinking of the "what if's". And always "preparing for the worst". But the decision that I made that causes me to cry and hate myself so much, the reason why I miss my daughter so uncontrollably was in fact and in deed, no doubt, the most dumiest, stupidest and worst decision I could of ever made. I wish I could take it all back and then I wouldn't feel so Damn ashamed and embarrassed of my stupid action. This is the most I ever hated myself. I'm sorry Journi. I'm so so sorry. Mommy loves you. I promise you I do.
Replies
Today you\'ve got a new canvas. You are the Artist and can create a masterpiece of a life for yourself. Don\'t look behind you, below you, or next to you. Just focus on your canvas and paint a little each day. It\'s just you, your baby and your canvas. Whatever/whoever has caused you pain/trauma is irrelevant now even the times it was yourself.
That is no longer a part of this beautiful painting you will create. Therefor you will make a choice today and the past will no longer have any power over you and other\'s imperfections are not your problem nor for you to fix. Don\'t allow anyone else to create your legacy, end the cycle, find yourself, cherish your moment here in the world right now.
There is Love and Beauty everywhere, just gotta change your perspective and take a serious approach to your recovery by understanding that it is beyond your control and Commit to working with professionals to put a plan together and see what that looks like the next 12 months. Do something YOU will be proud of, take control of your health and well being today.
With Love,
Mother of an Addict.