Still Here
Funny i just noticed that it has been exactly a month since I last wrote in my journal.I guess thats how long I let my deppression build up before I just cant keep it bottled up anymore.Every day seems to be slideing into the next.I have been spending alot of time in bed and when I am up I dont bother getting dressed.I feel like an emotional mess and I cant seem to snap out of it.My financial situation is literly makeing me physically ill.....I feel all alone and the darkness is swallowing me alive.My little ones gave me thier Christmas lists and I just shut myself in my bedroom and cried.I have been trying to sell things on craigslist for money with no luck.I cant stop the tears now as I write...I cant handle all these problems on my own anymore . I have no physical friends anymore and I barely leave the house unless I have to.I am tired of cooking,cleaning,laundry and trying to make ends meet.......Where is the person I used to be???? I took care of everyone and everything .Worked full time and never had a minute to rest.Now I am a waste of space...I just want to go back to the silence and darkness of my bedroom....
Replies
I understand where you are coming from. i am in the same space right now. I find it very hard if not impossible to get out of bed and when I do I stay in the same clothes for days. I mean, I don\'t do anything, I don\'t go anywhere, so why change. I undestand the finacial thing too. Even if i wanted to go somewhere or do something i couldn\'t because we have no money. Our roof is falling in, our washer broke and we were without hot water for more than 6 months. we also have no heat because our furnace it broken. Now we are having problems with our only car. My husband needs it to go to work, so if it breaks down things will only get 10 times worse if that is possible. I am trying my 3rd different depression meds in 2 months because none of them seem to work. I feel like telling the Dr. no how can it work, it doesn\'t change anything. All I can do is get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. I try telling myself that I should remember how much things can change and how different things were 10 years ago and that things will be much different 10 years from now then they are. i hope it is for the better. I have no real advice to offer, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and to keep trudging on. (((HUGGS)))
You are not a waste of space Tammy. You are a loving friend that I am very proud, happy and blessed to know. Even if you can\'t get anything for Christmas your family is blessed to have you as their mom and we are all lucky to know you. You are doing your best and this is all you can do. I know that your kids are giving you a lot of pressure with their wishes but they may not be able to get this at this time, this does not mean they will never get things. Your pets are lucky too and I believe you are the same person you used to be but only better because you are learning so much. Please don\'t feel you are a waste of a person. You are a very good person. I love ya. I hope you will be able to do something very nice for Thanksgiving.
I pray that you will be ok and you will know you are good and you are a blessing. Please don\'t feel like you are not. You are amazing even with what you go through you still are an inspiration and help people.
I can understand where you\'re coming from in regards to the depression, though I don\'t know what I would do with the added stress of children. Please know that I sincerely hope things get better for you. I am not religious, but I have always appreciated the generosity of those who are, and actually practice what they preach. I know that many Catholic churches extend help to those in need, and I assume that other branches must as well. They usually help regardless of one\'s affiliation with the church, or whether one believes or not, so I would seek their help for gifts for your children, or food stuff. They just may come through. Best wishes.
Praying for you Tammy!!
Tammy, you are a wounderful person, warm and sincere. I pray that things will work out for you. Besides looking into churches for help I can add some other places to look into. Salvation army, Elks, Lions, Vfw, Toys for tots. Call your local news and radio stations and tell them you are in need for some clothes or toys or whatever it may be for your kids for Christmas. They might be able to help you or at least give you phone numbers of people to contact who can help you. Please let me know how things work out. I pray for the best.
I totally understand what you are going through. For me Christmas has always been about giving... thats what makes me happy. Not being able to get my children what they want has litterally had me in tears for the past 4 weerks. Every one teels me not to worry about it that they understand....I say thats great they understand, but I want to do something that makes me happy. Just one small thing that would help take this depression away. It sucks and I just wanted to let you know I understand and will pray for you. If you think of anything to give that dont cost money let me know K! Take care and hanf in there.