Still Good.... Is this right?

I'm still feeling good, even after writing all that triggering stuff last night. I wonder if it has anything to do with my sleep. I haven't been able to fall asleep well at night, but then I sleep all morning and sometimes into the afternoon. I'm so tired tonight that I think I won't have any trouble falling asleep, but I've said that before and had trouble sleeping. My therapist is having me track my sleep, how much I get and how long it took me to fall asleep and so on. Last night it took me an hour and a half to get to sleep, I woke up 4 times in the night and got a total of 10.5 hours sleep. That's minus the 15 minutes or so I was awake in the middle of the night and morning. I was feeling good at 9am when I woke up, but chose to go back to sleep so I could get more rest. When I woke up, I was feeling okay but sluggish. I did take Risperdal again last night, so that may have something to do with it. I have trouble getting up most mornings when I take Risperdal. 
I'm wondering what I would have to do in this mood to get me down. I was kinda down last night after talking about my dad, but then this morning I felt better already. I'm wondering if now I have a little bomb in my head, waiting to go off at any time. If I suddenly crash anytime soon, I will know why. I should, at least. I don't normally track the cause when I get depressed, that's something I need to start doing. I was talking to my therapist about the last time I got depressed (when I ended up in the clinic/hospital) and it was because I had talked to my cousin about the loss of her mom. Her mom died at a young age because of cancer, and about the same time my dad died. We have a lot of the same feelings about the loss of our parents, so it was a major trigger to hear her talk about her mom, but she was crying... what was I supposed to do, tell her I'd call back? It was the anniversary of her mom's death, so she had all the right in the world to be crying. I know I cry almost every single year since my Dad died on October 4th, the day he died. Geo thinks I might be using the anniversary of his death as a reason to get depressed, but I think that it's just hard losing a parent when you are young. 
I tried to go get my share of cost met today combining my therapy and my visit to the hospital, but the hospital paid for everything so it doesn't count toward my share of cost. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about meeting my share of cost for the month, but it's just insane how much they want me to pay. I get $948 in SSDI payments every month, and every month they want me to pay $748 before they will pay a dime in my medical costs. That leaves me with just $200 to pay rent and bills if I want to meet my share of cost every month. I happened to end up in the hospital this month, so I was hoping that could go towards my share of cost, but it didn't. But it's paid for, and that's all that really matters. Just to let you know how insanely high $748 a *month* is hard to meet, over 2 days in the hospital was only $650. I wish it was $748 a year, like most medical insurance is, but nope, this is per month, I've been told time and time again. I don't know why the hospital paid my bill, I'm just glad they did. It sure beats having to pay it on my own!
Food has been good today... I'm in my calorie range and I had a wonderful regular dinner with the chicken and BBQ sauce. I also had the other half of my Subway sandwich for lunch and a piece of chicken and some cereal for breakfast. I know, I eat bizarre things, but that's just the way I am. Stress was low today, and mood was good. I talked about sleep already, so that's it for today!

Replies

good2go2001
good2go2001

I have always had trouble with sleep... sometimes cant fall asleep and then im always up 3-4 times a night for no reason. Its so hard to function like that. Its good that you can try to get rest at other times and sleep when you can. Youre doing great on keeping your calories and everything else in check.... think i need to take lessons from you... my calories been ranging from 400-600 and i know thats bad but best i can do. Hugzzz hope your sleep is good tonight.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I don\'t sleep welll either, I get to sleep easy enough, at about 9:30 then wake up at about 3 or 3:30 and lay in bed for an hour try8ng to get back to sleep most of the time, then I am awake about 5:30 or 6 and that is it for the day. You should be happy that you are still doing good and not question it, just go with it, and enjoy it.
ann54
ann54

i think tracking your sleep is a good idea, for not sleeping well at night you use up the day. did you take the risperadol when you went to bed and again later? it is great you have had these good days and i hope they last a long time. hugsss
ZECILKL
ZECILKL

You are doing well with your food.
It is hard to lose a parent. I feel the same way for years that you did.. i still get sad but not as bad.

You were really nice to help your cousin.

I find when i go back to sleep after waking up i feel tired the whole day too. It just throws me off. if i get up when i wake i seem to do better..though sometimes i take a nap during the day. Don\'t know if that would work for you.
take care of your self...