Still devastated
It's 2am. I'm still awake. It's going on 10 days since my beloved Tommy passed away. It's crazy that I never considered that he would. Even though he was so very ill, I had hope...maybe too much hope...tomorrow evening is the viewing, and then Monday is the service. I have written the eulogy. Writing it was hard...reading it to myself was even harder, I couldn't stop crying. I just hope I can keep it together when I deliver it on Monday. The idea that I will never see him again, talk to him again, hear him sing again. I don't know if I can do it without ending up in the nuthouse before long. I've been wearing a lock of his hair in a small vial around my neck. I still can't accept that he's really gone. The next two days will be even more excruciating if that's possible...I just wish I could go back 6 months and press 'pause' and leave it at that...no end to this nightmare...
Replies
Dearest Wendi . . . there will be an eventual end to your nightmare. I promise. These early days are some of the most difficult you will ever experience in your lifetime. Be gentle with yourself . . allow room for grief, but take care of you as well. Writing the eulogy took a lot of strength and courage. Be proud of yourself that you managed this and haven\'t made it to the nuthouse yet. (I know the feeling) Have you talked with your doc about something to take the edge off? Not proposing drugged to numbness, but a low dosage med that will help you sleep and deal with extra anxiety right now. I take Lexipro and Kolonapin, both low dosage and they have served me well. I think I would be in the nuthouse without. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers. You are stronger than you think! xo, Dayna