STILL AWAKE
WELL,ITS 1:43 AM AND NOTHING NEW I AM STILL AWAKE.I SHOULD BE GOING TO BED BECAUSE I HAVE A DOCTORS APPT. EARLY.I AM RATHER NERVOUS ABOUT THIS APPT. BECAUSE ITS WITH THE DOCTOR I STOPPED GOING TO.I SEEN HIM FROM RIGHT AFTER MY ACCIDENT TO LAST SUMMER.MY LAST VISIT WITH HIM HE WAS VERY RUDE AND MEAN TO ME.HE ACTED LIKE I HAD THE PLAUGE OR SOMETHING .THE FACT IS I USED TO PAY HIM THROUGH MY CAR INSURANCE AND THEN I GOT HELP FROM MEDICAID AND SUDDENLY HE ACTED LIKE I WAS NO GOOD BECAUSE I HAVE MEDICAID..HE WAS ALSO ALWAYS TRYING TO PUSH MORE THEREPY ON ME AND SHOTS IN MY SPINE WHICH I SAID NO TO BOTH.HE SAID HE COULD NO LONGER HELP ME.SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I NEVER WENT BACK.I CHANGED DOCTORS FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS AND SHE DECIDED TO RETIRE.SO BACK TO SQUARE ONE LOOKING FOR A NEW DOC AND EXPLAINING MY ACCIDENT AND MY CURRENT PAIN SITUATION ALL OVER AGAIN. THE PROBLEM IS I AM APPLYING FOR SSD AND NEED A DOCTORS STATEMENT FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS TREATED ME AND KNOWS ME.SO HERE I GO TO ASSHOLE ,I CANT WAIT TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY...ACUALLY I DONT EVEN WANT TO GO AND I KNOW HE IS GONNA UPSET ME BUT THE APPT. IS MADE AND I GUESS I HAVE TO SEE IF HE WILL FILL OUT MY PAPERWORK.APPLYING FOR SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DUE TO ME AND THE PROCESS THEY MAKE YOU GO THROUGH IS SO DEMEANING AND I HATE IT. I FEEL LIKE A BEGGAR ,FAILURE AND A LOOSER....AS I HAVE SAID A HUNDRED TIMES I JUST WISH I COULD GO BACK TO WORK....I STILL DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER BE APPROVED FOR THE SSD AND IF I AM WILL I BE ABLE TO MENTALLY EXCEPT THAT AS MY FUTURE,CUT AND DRY...I FEEL LIKE MY SELF ESTEME,SELF WORTH AND INDEPENDENCE IS LONG GONE.MY HUSBAND HE JUST SEEMS TO THRIVE OFF FROM MY DESPARE AND DEPPRESSION.ITS LIKE HE JUST KEEPS PUSHING ME FARTHER DOWN.HE LIKES THE SIDE OF ME DEPPRESSED INSTEAD OF FIESTY AND TELLING HIM THE WAY THINGS ARE GONNA BE..HE TRIES TO TAKE THE VECHICLE OR LEAVE ME WITHOUT A SITTER SO I HAVE TO STAY HOME AND THEN HE BITCHES ABOUT ME TALKING TO PEOPLE ON THE PHONE OR COMPUTER,ALL THE WHILE HE IS OUT WITH BUDDIES.LAST FRIDAY I HAD TO GO TO MY COUNSELOR AND CHIROPRACTER APPTS WITH MY LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE HE HAD TO GO WITH FRIENDS.....I AM TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE AND GET STRONGER BUT SOME DAYS ARE VERY HARD.....MOST DAYS ARE SO VERY LONELY,I LOVE MY KIDS AND AM THANKFUL TO FINALLY HAVE TIME WITH THEM BUT I NEED TIME FOR MYSELF AND ADULT COMPANIONSHIP....WELL,ANOTHER DAY IN THE WORLD OF ME.....
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