Stepping ahead.

  Well, I think i'm back on track again. Today I started comming to the realization that most of what I get angry about at work really doesn't matter. I think that it was good venting about it tho. I felt much more focused about everything. Today I thought about if i were to just say fuck it and do my job without taking on any unnecessary chores or responsibilities, but then I thought, no it wouldn't be me. I find that i need to do the best that I can. Thats what is me. If I'm going to spend one third of my day, and life at something, I want it to be meaningful and to have purpose. I watch other people there that seem to just do as little as possible. They don't sweat or push themselves above  anything. I find that I can't be like that. I feel good when I go out all the way. At some point it my younger years this drive in me was probably some sort of attempt to cover up my inadequacies. i had to be better than others. But now I feel that it's an opportunity to use the experience and knowledge that I've aquired over the years. When I was drinking and using it was a strugle to use anything. Back then I would find and use any short cuts that were possible. i didn't have the energy or desire to push myself. Actually, the people at work are starting to notice the differance that I am making. the people that I work with are letting me have much more freedom to do good work. Thats starting to feel good to me. the resentments are still very strong, but I'm trying to push past that, and the only way to do that is to keep moving foreward. If we stay in the things of the past, we never get anywhere. It takes time, but I can see the possitive. It's really a hard experience to go through. Yesterday I started thinking that perhaps I should look at other jobs, but today I feel differant about it. I guess it just takes time. We always seem to want everything to be better right now. I know I do, but it just doesn't work that way. And thank God it doesn't. Without going through these truly blessed life lessons, we would just be the same people we always were. But it's hard to see it that way when your going through it.I would never want to be back in my younger years. I do like what God is teaching me, at least in hindsight.  Today when I got home, I got to use some of what God has given me. G decided to be a mechanic and change the tire on her car. I could see that she was having trouble. I went out to see what was going on. Right away I seen that the lug nuts were stripped. I kept quiet, but in my mind I was thinking, " What the hell are ya doing?" i know that sometimes a job might seem so simple, but if you don't take the time to fully asess things you can end up with a nightmare. I could tell right away it was fucked. I tried a little, but it wasn't gonna work. All that kept going through my mind was, " Why didn't you wait?" i had the sense enough to keep my mouth shut tho. I knew she was all frustrated and it wouldn't take much for her to tell me to go fuck myself. Then I had to hold back from laughing as the situation progressed. The mighty mechanic downstairs brought out his tools. He's a skinny little fart that lives on booze. I thought to myself, this should be interesting to watch. he looks like he barely has enough strength to walk, let alone take off lug nuts. Carlos also joined in for abit. He broke Willies two socket wrenches trying, but he realised soon that it was fucked and he left. I knew this was going to cost, but Hey, shit happens. I wanted to say or do something to help G and make her feel better, but it was one of those things that you just need to play out, and hope that you don't say the wrong thing, even tho in your mind a voice is screeming to say something. I got through it without saying something like, " I told you so." Then we decided to go to Canadian Tire to see if they could do anything. All the way there, ' Why didn't we go to the other one, why this, why that..." But I kept calm. Couple of times I thought we might hit a car, but through it I managed to keep quiet and not get upset. That sure as hell wouldn't have helped. I knew she was looking for a sounding board to vent her anger, but I sure didn't want that. We got there, and sure enough it's going to cost money. I imagine they will have to burn the nuts off. Oh well. i do love her, and these things only make that love grow. I feel good that I wasn't an asshole like I used to be. At one time I would have been swearing and saying really hurtful things making the other person feel bad. I am thankful that that didn't happen. I'm thankful for all the things I have learned through God, A.A., the treatment centers, and all the people along the way. I'm glad that I can be caring and loving now, even when things seem to get very tense. I can look at myself tonight in the mirror and say, nice job James. Thank you, God. Thank you.