Stepdad Out of Hospital
Last night my stepdad was in the hospital for more tests. It turns out he had a big stroke and there's still bleeding in his brain. He now refuses to get any more medical treatment, so whatever happens, happens. I tried to talk him out of it, but he says he can't afford it and if it's his time to go, then it's his time to go. He's set in his ways, so there's nothing I can do to stop him. He realizes how grave it is... he was redoing his will the other night. I worry about him since he lives alone and there's nobody there for him. I want to be there for him, but I have my life here in Miami and Geo doesn't want to live with my stepdad since everyone would be home all day. My stepdad is retired and both Geo and I are disabled. There's not enough room in the house for 3 people alone all day. Plus, he doesn't really know my stepdad so that doesn't help either. Geo is shy and doesn't like meeting new people really.
6/16/12- Depressed.
I didn't finish my journal last night because I needed to clean the apartment for the inspection on Tuesday. I just haven't been in the mood for writing because I'm depressed. My friend Courtney suggested that I try and see my therapist again this month, and I'm thinking about it. Although I did use some money tonight to get Chinese food, which I didn't like. I got it from a different place than I normally get it, and it just tasted bland. It tasted like something I could easily make and it wasn't worth the money I paid for it. Geo liked his food from there, but he's not as picky with Chinese food as I am. Plus, he had his when it was cold and reheated since he was napping when it was delivered, so there was some expectations for it to be a bit icky.
I cleaned the kitchen today when I was feeling a bit better. I got the counters and stuff cleaned, tomorrow I have to clean the stove, fill up the dishwasher and mop the floor. The floor is going to be the hardest, since all the stuff from the counters fell on there. Plus, we have the litter box in the kitchen, so we have kitty gravel to sweep and try and keep away from the mop. There's kitty litter stuck on the floor from when we tried mopping over it, or water got spilled on some of it. I'm probably going to have to get on my hands and knees to do that, and I'm getting too old to do that. I have a bad back and weak legs. But Geo's is worse, so I have to be the one to do it. I wish we had the money to hire maids. I mean, it's stuff I can do, but I just don't want to. Tonight Geo is going to work on the office. I hope he doesn't wake me.
We are going over Geo's dad's house tomorrow. I have problems going over there because it messes with my routine. My routine is really messed up right now, so it might not be a problem, but just thinking about going over there makes me want to take a klonopin. I have to go, though, because staying home is going to be worse. I will be alone, depressed, and possibly suicidal. I got a bit of that feeling today when I first woke up and started missing my Nana, but it went away after a bit. I know when I get suicidal and it doesn't go away fast to go to the hospital. I just don't want to go in and have someone die on me and I'm not able to go to their funeral because the hospital won't let me out. That's just horrible.
Food today was good.. I think I was in my ranges for everything. I had a low fat chicken and broccoli stir fry for dinner, and scrambled eggs (with no oil or anything) for breakfast. Geo just came into the room, dressed to clean, and now I feel guilty that I'm not helping him clean. I did my part today with the kitchen, but I still feel bad that I'm not helping him now. I want to cry, but I can't. It's not worth crying over. I have bigger things to cry over. Although when I'm done with this I might try to go out and help him. It's late, I need to sleep, but I can't bear the thought of him doing it alone. I'm still going to try and go to sleep. I will have to turn the fan on so I don't hear him cleaning. I feel so callous for doing that. I know I'm not going to sleep until he's done cleaning. I don't know why he has to wait until night to do it. Oh well, there's nothing I can do.
6/16/12- Depressed.
I didn't finish my journal last night because I needed to clean the apartment for the inspection on Tuesday. I just haven't been in the mood for writing because I'm depressed. My friend Courtney suggested that I try and see my therapist again this month, and I'm thinking about it. Although I did use some money tonight to get Chinese food, which I didn't like. I got it from a different place than I normally get it, and it just tasted bland. It tasted like something I could easily make and it wasn't worth the money I paid for it. Geo liked his food from there, but he's not as picky with Chinese food as I am. Plus, he had his when it was cold and reheated since he was napping when it was delivered, so there was some expectations for it to be a bit icky.
I cleaned the kitchen today when I was feeling a bit better. I got the counters and stuff cleaned, tomorrow I have to clean the stove, fill up the dishwasher and mop the floor. The floor is going to be the hardest, since all the stuff from the counters fell on there. Plus, we have the litter box in the kitchen, so we have kitty gravel to sweep and try and keep away from the mop. There's kitty litter stuck on the floor from when we tried mopping over it, or water got spilled on some of it. I'm probably going to have to get on my hands and knees to do that, and I'm getting too old to do that. I have a bad back and weak legs. But Geo's is worse, so I have to be the one to do it. I wish we had the money to hire maids. I mean, it's stuff I can do, but I just don't want to. Tonight Geo is going to work on the office. I hope he doesn't wake me.
We are going over Geo's dad's house tomorrow. I have problems going over there because it messes with my routine. My routine is really messed up right now, so it might not be a problem, but just thinking about going over there makes me want to take a klonopin. I have to go, though, because staying home is going to be worse. I will be alone, depressed, and possibly suicidal. I got a bit of that feeling today when I first woke up and started missing my Nana, but it went away after a bit. I know when I get suicidal and it doesn't go away fast to go to the hospital. I just don't want to go in and have someone die on me and I'm not able to go to their funeral because the hospital won't let me out. That's just horrible.
Food today was good.. I think I was in my ranges for everything. I had a low fat chicken and broccoli stir fry for dinner, and scrambled eggs (with no oil or anything) for breakfast. Geo just came into the room, dressed to clean, and now I feel guilty that I'm not helping him clean. I did my part today with the kitchen, but I still feel bad that I'm not helping him now. I want to cry, but I can't. It's not worth crying over. I have bigger things to cry over. Although when I'm done with this I might try to go out and help him. It's late, I need to sleep, but I can't bear the thought of him doing it alone. I'm still going to try and go to sleep. I will have to turn the fan on so I don't hear him cleaning. I feel so callous for doing that. I know I'm not going to sleep until he's done cleaning. I don't know why he has to wait until night to do it. Oh well, there's nothing I can do.
Replies
I am so sorry to hear your stepdad is in a bad way! It is hard but you have to respect his wishes.
Good luck with the house cleaning. I used to get behind on the cleaning but since I use the Flylady.com method I am always 15 minutes away from being company ready. We have a mutual friend here - Zee and we both use flylady and have loosely formed a 2 person buddy group. Would you like to join us? If so send me a DS message.
i am sorry about your step dad, but as hard as it is, he will only do what he wants. i know its hard to see and watch. what inspection are you getting? i have found the best way to get things somewhat from getting out of hand, is to do the basic stuff, vacuum, sweep cat litter, dishes as they come. then it isnt so hard to do everything all at once, such as cleaning the floor. i hope your depression gets better and take it easy on the cleaning, maybe concentrate on 1 room at a time.