STAYING POSITIVE NOT ENOUGH..

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO EAT RIGHT AND WALK DAILY,STAY POSITIVE  TO GET MYSELF HEALTHY MENTALLY AND PYHISICALLY.I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.BUT WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPY?????MY KIDS MAKE ME HAPPY BUT ITS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO HIDE FROM THEM THAT I AM LITTERLY FALLING DEEPER AND DEEPER IN A BLACK HOLE.MY DEPPRESSION AND LONLINESS HAS BEEN MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE...I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE TO TURN TO AND I KNOW WHO I DO TALK TO JUST SHUT ME OUT AFTER AWHILE .EVERYONE HAS THIER OWN ISSUES AND NO TIME....I REALLY WISH I COULD GET OUT OF MY SO CALLED MARRIAGE..I LEFT SEVERAL YEARS AGO WHEN MY KIDS WERE SMALL ,I HAD A GREAT JOB AND I WAS STRONGER BACK THEN.I HAD NO ONE TO HELP WITH THE KIDS AND I WAS AFRAID IF I LOST MY JOB I WOULD LOOSE MY KIDS.I JUST WASNT LOOKING AT THE WHOLE PICTURE AND ASSHOLE ENDED UP WALKING BACK THROUGH THE DOOR.HE IS MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME AFTER SO MANY YEARS .HE IS AND NEVER HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME.IT SEEMS EVERY YEAR I GET MORE LONELY AND DEPPRESSED. BEFORE MY ACCI DENT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR A PLACE  TO LIVE AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL QUICK..HE WILL NOT LEAVE ,EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER SINCE I HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF KIDS AND PETS.HELL, HE HAS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO.HE HAS A HOME THAT I TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING COOK,CLEAN,LAUNDRY,BILLS AND HE GOES AND PLAYS WITH HIS BUDDIES AND HAS A FAMILY IF AND WHENEVER HE WANTS THEM.BUT ON A DAILY BASIS HE SAYS HE HATES US ALL...I JUST WISH HE WOULD DISSAPPEAR FROM OUR LIVES AND THEN WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN OURS...HE IS A CRAZY PHYCO WHEN WE LEAVE AND I NO HE WILL COME AFTR US I JUST DONT NO TO WHAT EXTENT HE WILL GO.....I DONT CRE ABOUT ME ANYMORE BUT I COULD NEVER LIVE WITH MYSELF IF HE HARMED ONE OF THE KIDS TO GET BACK AT ME....I HAVE W ORKED SO HARD ALL THESE YEARS  TO PROVIDE NICE THINGS AND A NICE HOUSE FOR MY FAMILY  BUT IT WILL NEVER BE A HOME  UNTIL HE IS GONE.....I AM SO TIRED  OF LIVING  WELL NOT LIVING MY LIFE LIKE THIS,HE DOESNT DESERVE ANY OF US...EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SO QUICK WITH WELL LEAVE THEN BUT UNTIL U ARE IN MY SHOES YOU WIL NEVER UNDERSTAND....LOOK AT ALL THE WOMAN ON TV EVERYDAY THAT LEFT AND ARE NOW DEAD OR THIER HUSBANDS KILLED THIER KIDS TO GET BACK  AT THE WOMAN..DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD HAVE LEFT IF THEY COULD SEE THIER FUTURE...I AM JUST RAMBLING AT THIS POINT AND CRYING SO I BETTER SAY GOOD BY AND HELLO TO MY LONELY EXISTENCE.....