state of change
i've finally come to terms w/ my feelings in my marriage. couple weeks ago i asked tony for a divorce. right now things are progressing on a day by day basis. i have not been in love w/ him for many years. i suppose after his hospitalization in 2008 was when i really turned off all my emotions. i felt i needed to in order to cope. i know now that wasn't right of me. but it's time he releases his dependence on me & becomes whomever it is he should be.
on top of that, i started seeing someone who may just be "the one" ... which is crazy, b/c i don't believe in starry-eyed mumbo jumbo. when i'm with him, it's great. when i'm not, i just want to be with him. but lately it's not been so easy. i feel more than just a physical distance. i feel constantly misunderstood. times like these i realize i'll prolly always be alone. so why bother?
and ON TOP OF THAT, tigger has become so ill that we will be euthanizing her tomorrow afternoon. i'm spending my last night w/ her on the floor by the PC w/ the beatles playing. i'm losing my two cats w/i 2 mos of each other. they were my best friends for so many years.
so - suffice it to say, the SI urges are incredible. all this pain, confusion, anger, love, loss, etc. is just too much. i want that numb beauty of a blade against skin. i want to see myself bleed to verify i really am still human. i promised i wouldn't do it anymore. do i break my promise?
on top of that, i started seeing someone who may just be "the one" ... which is crazy, b/c i don't believe in starry-eyed mumbo jumbo. when i'm with him, it's great. when i'm not, i just want to be with him. but lately it's not been so easy. i feel more than just a physical distance. i feel constantly misunderstood. times like these i realize i'll prolly always be alone. so why bother?
and ON TOP OF THAT, tigger has become so ill that we will be euthanizing her tomorrow afternoon. i'm spending my last night w/ her on the floor by the PC w/ the beatles playing. i'm losing my two cats w/i 2 mos of each other. they were my best friends for so many years.
so - suffice it to say, the SI urges are incredible. all this pain, confusion, anger, love, loss, etc. is just too much. i want that numb beauty of a blade against skin. i want to see myself bleed to verify i really am still human. i promised i wouldn't do it anymore. do i break my promise?
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