Starting Treatment

This morning I felt ok. I could definitely feel that I wasn't stable and I was almost waiting for things to get bad again. I went into my math class (Basic Algebra 2) and thats where things started going downhill.
See, when I got my report/diagnosis yesterday morning one of the things that was pointed out to me was that despite the fact that I am highly gifted in some areas (Verbal Comprehension: 132), I am actually below average in my processing speed (89). This is indicative of a mood issue, and what it basically means is that my moods are getting in the way of my solving problems quickly.
In my math class, this shows up as me being top of the class, with acing the hardest test of the semester and consistently getting the highest score on each test in the class. However, 3/4ths of the entire class finishes their tests and leave before I do.
So looking back I could see that, then this morning I got to see it, and be aware of it at the same time, which predictably only made it worse as I started to slip into depression/anxiety again. I was having a difficult time keeping up with my professor as she was adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing roots and radicals. I was able to do the problems correctly but she was consistently going ahead of me, as I did them on my own, while she was taking the painstaking process of explaining to a class of people who barely know how to factor how to work with roots and radicals. I was starting to get very upset with myself, I found myself having to hold back tears etc. as I could recognize and feel the delays in me getting the problems done. Of course, it was only getting worse as this went on.
After I left class I had about an hour before my next class and a 20 minute drive to the campus the second class is on. During this time however the anxiety was building and gradually getting worse. I called my local VA clinic to see if I could get an appointment with the psychiatrist sooner, but they couldn't find a time slot. They referred me to the mental health department at the primary VA hospital and they told me that there is a 30 minute appointment in two days, but that because I haven't seen the psychiatrist before I needed an hour long appointment first. At this point my anxiety had gone from bad to worse, I was getting terrified that I wouldn't be able to get any help until it is too late. I am terrified of having another episode at this point, since it could ruin everything.
It didn't help that I was worrying about having a major episode, and I know that if I obsess about how worried I am about having a major episode I will actually cause myself to have a major episode. That only made me worry more though! It was a horrifically vicious cycle.
The mental health department referred me to the VA crisis clinic, and the guy on the phone, Reggie, wanted me to speak with a social worker, however I was at this point parking at my campus and getting ready to walk into class. He made me promise to call back after I got out of class.
During class (Human Growth and Development) I kept going back to my worries. I kept wanting to cry. But I did calm down quite a bit, as I was doing my best to focus on the lesson. Luckily the class let out early, and once I was out I gave the Crisis Clinic a call back. I got a girl this time, and I was told to come in and she gave me directions. It was only a 10 minute drive from there, normally its a good 30-35 minute drive, but since I was at the other campus is was close by.
I drove to the Crisis Clinic, and on the way spoke with my boyfriend (who also has bipolar and is very supportive of me through all of this, I love him so much). The Crisis Clinic is located at the primary VA hospital, a huge building. I walked in and found my way to the Crisis Clinic and met Reggie in person, he signed me in and asked me to wait. He is such a nice guy. Soon enough I was being seen by someone, they asked a bunch of questions, I told them about the diagnosis and the report and the appointment yesterday with my psychologist, and my fears etc. I was still extremely anxious and it was clearly visible. Then I was told I would be getting a mood stabilizer and an anti-anxiety medication.
Since my fear was that I WOULDN'T get any medication/treatment for a good month a half, this was incredibly relieving to me. A lot of my anxiety started going away right there. I still was very on edge and jittery, but at least I wasn't worrying about not getting meds any more. I had to wait a good half hour or so to get my new medication. I was given:
Buspirone for Anti-Anxiety
Divalproex for Mood Stabilization
I took an Anti-Anxiety right away, and drove home. I was very grateful that I had gotten the meds, but still jittery and unstable. A good 30 minute drive later I was home and I got on my bed to sort my new pills in with the rest of the pills I take. That was when I started feeling kinda weird in my head. Kinda dizzy. A few more interesting side effects came and went. I got a headache that took a good 2-3 hours to go away.
Once the majority of the side effects went away... I felt stable again. Not high or low or anxious. Then I noticed it. My leg. It wasn't shaking! holy shit!!!! That is so exciting!!! I've NEVER in my life sat down without my leg jumping up and down, and here it was, I could barely even shake my leg if I tried!!!! At this moment I fell in love with the anti-anxiety medication.
After three or four or so hours I went out with my boyfriend and a few other friends to kareoke (I never sing - far too anxious) After I got there I noticed that the leg shaking was back . However I still felt fine, stable, comfortable. I got there around 9:30 or so. Around 12:30 I noticed that I was feeling unstable again, and it was only a few more minutes before I started definitely feeling that I was sad or depressed or something. As time went on it just got worse until we left around 1am. By this point I was solidly in a kind of depression of sorts. I just find it so interesting how this has more to do with anxiety than anything else. I kept wanting to cry for generally no reason, and my thinking had definitely started taking a slightly negative turn.
Then I got home, and here I am, finishing this journal entry. I started this journal entry before I left for karaoke and I got most of it done but not quite finished so I just saved it and waited till I came back to finish it, I didn't think I would be back in the negative feelings again this soon however. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, I was just so grateful that it was working.