Starting the day with paranoia
Well, here I am... back at work, waiting for it to start. I'm really grateful to be back. I am so thankful for this job and the ability and with a bit of help.. surviving.
My father's only sister is in hospice. She's 96 and we were told yesterday that she was in the process of transitioning. Dad flew out to Colorado, where she lives, to be with her.
It's really sad and I know very difficult for my Dad, though he would never betray that.
i talked to my sister yesterday and cried about it. It was a combination of a lot of things ignited by this awful news.
This morning in the aftermath of the emotional call and a call with my parents and being here at work, I'm starting to have some paranoia about my connection with others. Yet I am starting to pull myself up and ask myself 'What path am I on?' And ' is what I am worried about reality?'
I know sometimes I need to hear things exactly as I need to hear them in order to feel resolved or convinced of them. One therapist had talked about a good way of going about thinking or (interpreting) about issues like this in terms of 'having a decoder ring.' This definitely helps gleaning what the reality of an interaction may be.
I am grateful for the ability to look up beyond my problems and my paranoia to see it simply and with a kind of clarity that it's time to get back to work.
Sending peace and love to you guys.
Replies
Big hug, Mark. We can’t control much in life, but we can learn ways we react to it. I do a similar thing where I worry about misinterpreting others behaviors in my interactions with them and can jump to conclusions that may not be the real story. The only way to cut through that is talking things out, clearly, directly, honestly.
Prayers of peace for your family.
Thanks Nikki! Xx
i've wondered endlessly about that need to hear a yaddah blah in very particular words and even more particular word orders before i hit the light bulb moment and make actual use of the dangling input. prior to that light bulb moment, the input is in league with works of art that i leave in the museum when it's time to go home. they are purtiful, but not useful to my daily life.
that wandering wonder is currently running through the "brain plasticity" corridors, "rerouting neural pathways" division. these theories are exploring the possibility that new neural pathways can be routed around traumatic brain injury to return the associated function to the remaining brain tissues. do you know how physically small a neural pathway is? even smaller than the diff between "blessed be" and "be blessed."
are we routing new neural pathways when we feel that urge to word play?
just wondering. . .
or am i wondering just?
should i apologize for not being too sorry about your aunt? my instinct is it explore her life as a potential role model. my advanced age is one of my greater anxieties in this second parenting career. i will be 84 when the baby graduates from high school. your aunt has that beat by 12 years. will i have time to dance at her post doctoral wedding, too?
I'm sorry that you're grieving for your aunt, Mark. Grief is definitely a trigger for me, so when that happens, I have to really get into self-care mode. I hope you are able to do the same. How great that she made it to 96!
I agree with SHL about the importance of communication when you're feeling paranoid about your connection with others. Make sure you get all the information you can. Instead of going with whatever your immediate assumption is, stop yourself and get the facts. Ask questions. Route a new neural pathway.
I hope that your 1st day back at work is a smooth one. I know they are going to be so happy to see you.
Thanks so much you guys. I’m in a bad frame of mind and I’ll read these through later. Peace.
Thank you so much Arfie and gr8ful1!! I have therapy soon so I’ll be able to talk about stuff soon. Work went very well and it was good to be back! Sending peace and good vibes.