starting the day

I started the day feeling very sheepish

and tender and concerned after the previous day's experience -

I started figuring the only place I could survive in the future would be living out my days

at the monastery (which I will go and visit in early March to see my friend) because of

my deficits and strengths.

I feel the respect for my relationships in my life - and am grateful

but what then came over me - 

was the questioning of my place in the world - I couldn't see outside

my immediate relationships and still felt the drive to question - 

but then eventually I realized and felt compassion for the question

in so far as saying to myself - as I wanted to hold on to my relationships

that I admire and love and care for - but felt a sensitivity in general- and respect because I felt flawed -

there will always be someone more responsible - and there will always be

someone more insightful and strong and so on - but I can accept myself -

and as at the time I might feel at a loss or an inclination to go running to a friend

for a sympathetic ear - 

I know at times like these, I know I can make activity for myself - however it is

or manifests - I can do that -

I can take solace in that - and feel good about it too.

I'll make plans - but right now I'll write. :)