Starting out bad

Had a bad night last night. Not that I didn't sleep at all, but he was very much in my dreams. Not even a dream with a story I can describe--just visions--like him leaning in to kiss me, or just seeing him there in front of me. At one point the door creaked open and I thought he was coming to bed, but it was just the dog. Everytime I woke up he was in my head. I put on some soft music and did breathing exercises to put my mind at ease, and I'd doze off and there he'd be again.

Pulling together a plan for my day--get up, feed the animals, have coffee and cereal, walk the dog. My son usually calls around 9:30 on Sundays. Then pick up some things at PetSmart--check out tvs in BestBuy--maybe replace the failing one in the bedroom. I still have a lot of cleaning and organizing I can do today. Doing something with my sister and daughter this afternoon--not sure what yet--but at least get out of the house. Try not to dread this evening; keep my mind occupied until I can't keep my eyes open and then hopefully he won't be in my head all night and I can escape in sleep.

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A few hours later. Talked to my son--I obviously can't talk to him about my feelings in regard to my breakup--he's no good at this stuff and usually manages to say something that upsets me. Finally dragged myself out of bed, fed the animals, and discovered Sawyer had peed in the living room. Got dressed, took him for a walk and crawled back into bed. I need to take a shower. That's another thing I'm finding difficult. I hate the idea of touching my own body, knowing he'll never touch it again. We were very affectionate with each other and loved each others bodies. We loved making love to each other and did it often. Thinking of never feeling his touch again is a sharp pain. It's been almost a week now, and I've only taken 2 very brief showers in that time. 

Really need to get this place in order, but it occurred to me this morning that maybe, if I do that, it will be more upsetting because it will look empty.  Should go out and run the errands I'd scheduled for myself. Expect to hear from my sister around 12.

Found a quote on my laptop I'd saved a long time ago:

"Never ignore someone who loves you and cares about you. ‘Cause one day you may realize you lost the moon while counting stars."--John O’Callaghan

There is a part of me that is tempted to email that to him. Not that he'd care. But I hope he realizes what he lost. It's a tremendous loss to me. I just fear that for him--not so much. He's not good at emotions--when things get tough he avoids, moves on, puts up a wall and hides behind it. Knowing that, I suspect he's hurting more than he'll let himself believe. That kind of angers me. I want HIM to hurt! I want HIM to feel he can't get out of bed, or find himself crying uncontrollably. I want HIM to grieve us. 

I was reading last night that woman grieve harder, but they usually handle it better. They actively fight to deal with the pain and the emotions. They share with others, they nurture themselves. And in the end they are healthier emotionally then men, who often just hide their feelings, mask them, and never really come to terms with them. Maybe that's why there are so many f*cked up men.

Should probably get out of bed again. Pick up cat food--maybe buy a new tv. I should get the tv. I haven't been able to watch tv in the living room since this happened. I tried watching a dvd, but I just keep thinking of us curled up on the couch watching together. We rarely watched tv in bed. Yes, time for a new bedroom tv. Let me do that