Stange few days.

So last night again my wife laid in the bad im using and fell asleep listening to me talk to her.  for the first time since all this began i feel as though shes feeling safe and secure with me.  that makes me feel so damn happy, because its what i want to be for her.  shes now having serious doubts about her and the kids moving to alaska, but says shes obligated to do so because of how much money has been invested by us and her parents. 

i dont want her to go, but she needs to get out of arizona for a while for sure.  shes still anxious here and still feeling depressed.  now i know her getting out for a while is a good thing, for her and me.  gives us time each to get to a better place.  i dont think thats going to happen if shes only going through with that move because she feels obligated to, to me that completely defeats the whole purpose of a move.  it would mean that she is still having to do something that isnt just for her wants, needs and desires.  i mean money is easily replaced.  her sanity and happiness is not.  so tonight hopefully or tomorrow im going to ask her that.  im going to ask her if she'd feel better if she were to go only for the summer.....  i dont know.  this whole past week or two shes been opening up to me again.  still no physical contact with her though........ god i miss holding her. 

so im not really sad/depressed atm.  im just so overcome with worry for her.  now i know, or at least i think i know. at the very least i feel that she does still love me.  shes comming to me a bit more every day. she isnt locking herself in our bed room, leaving the door open to it.  shes fallen asleep listening to me confess my undying unconditional love to her.  it makes me feel so damn good to do that, that has always been one of my biggest issues, not being able to talk about my feelings. that and not being able to really listen and understand hers.  now its all i think about, i race home to get the kids feed and put to bed, then just wait anxiously for her to come and ask to talk.  i would beat down the door to talk to her but i have to not be that way, i have to do this on her terms.  for me its all about how and what she wants and needs.

so now how do i approach this whole move thing now???

i dont want to push, i know how fragile she is atm and how depressed she still really is.  i dont want to push my  needs or wants on her at all, at least not right now. not for a while anyways.  but i dont want her to do this move if its a feeling of obligation because thats the kind of thing that got us to where we are right now.  i told her last night if it was only about the money id go sell my kidney to pay back her parents. and i would......   im a moron i know.  but for my wife id move heaven and hell, i really would and im trying to right now.

so should i just come right out and say "look dont go for an obligation to money" "lets do this together as a family, go for the summer" go have a vacation from here, have an adventure. im not going to abandon or leave. im here for you in everyway you need. just tell me what your heart is wanting."

anyways good luck to me tonight i suppose. or tomorrow.