Sprite

Later last night I just broke down to my mother. I don't know what I would expect from suicide. Where do you go? Is it horrible there, dark lonely? I meet with my doctor on Thursday and I am anticipating telling something to her and maybe we will change or add some medication to my cocktail. I am already so dosed out I can't even remember the day prior to present. With regards to suicide I don't know what to choose. Will I remember the life that I lived and be trapped in a jail for eternity.  I have an iPhone. The only people that call or text me are my parents. It's so sad that there is no one else that wants to even say hi. My Birthday was last Sunday and not one person called to say hello or to ask how I am doing. I am simply disposable to people, friends don't wish to be around me. I can't imagine how good it would feel to get a phone call or even hang out with a friend sometime. I take a significant amount of Xanax, both regular and extended release. I think that must keep me from loosing it. I am stuck in my mom's house here while she is sick and bed ridden recovering from a total knee replacement surgery. The one nice this is that I get to drive her new audi. She totaled two jaguars in this last year so the audi is a more economical automobile for her right now. Maybe when she is older she can change back.  I am scared that my doctor is going to take my xanax away after the two years I have been using it. I keep Thinking that this is going to happen tomorrow. That she is simply going to have a change of heart and begin to pull the xanax, but I know that she allows both of us to make decisions and I can tell her that I don't want to come off of the pill just yet and that it is helping me stay sane, in control, stabilized and somewhat not suicidal. I don't want that drug to go away from me. I am not too dependent on it but I do wish that I have the knowledge to understand the Dr. Power is not going to take it away, she is a good doctor. I love her as a doctor and I am thankful that she is staying on with me for a long time, however, she is a resident and she will move forward without me someday. But, if and when she does move on and she goes to a privet practice I will be there as a patient.  I will write prior to or after my visit with Dr. Power. Z.