spending time

Work went well today. Kept on 'keeping on.' I left when done and drove home

and then, when I got here, I got down and greeted Blue. He comes to

the door when I get home (or rather really the top of the stairs in the entry way)

and we greet each other every day. I try to wash my hands first and then give him a good rubdown

since he's alone a good 5.5 hours and also I don't want to contaminate him with anything I might have touched 'out there.'

He's super sweet and I am so grateful that I have him

and his feelings to consider when I am home or 'out on the town' doing stuff.

I then had lunch, showered and dressed and went and got a coffee. Came home

and came online a bit, played with Blue some more... my Dad called and asked me how things were going? - so kind! - 

and then he said "Are you saying you're fine just for me?" ...in so many words...he is so kind!!!

I do have my struggles and did today - but I am trying to keep positive..I didn't share that 

I just said "Things are ok!" :)

He then said "Ok...stay on the positive side...:) Keep being good!!" - again he is so kind

and inspiring to me!!!

So I have been trying to keep positive today...And just hearing that

from my Dad really inspired me to 'shake out the moths' of my 'curmudgeon-like' mindset

after working all morning :)hehe.

After our call, I was sitting at the computer at the kitchen bar where I keep it - 

and kind of realized that living in the status quo - 'nothing planned nothing doing'

isn't very satisfying - it's NOT satisfying - and the idea to challenge THAT - what I 'got out of' my time

- seemed an important distinction and not something I tend to think about -

those 'two dogs', satisfaction and duty, don't always meet eye to eye....

especially at everystep of the way, it's alright to admit that something isn't really that interesting.

It felt like an important 'lightbulb' moment for me - I felt like my center became strong when thinking

about 'satisfying..' I felt like my mind's light came on...!!!

I wasn't quite sure what to do with my time - but it didn't cause a panic or woe this time - it didn't feel like

something was wrong - it just felt like a matter of fact - deciding what to do did feel like a big leap at first -

I was a little sleepy and so  I decided to just take a nap - and went to the couch nearby and slept for a good hour and a half.

Really deep sleep..

I still don't know what to do with my time, so I thought coming on here to write about it was

a good thing to do - and yes - I enjoy writing as well!!

I have some other issues that have to do with dark feelings recently that I hope are not premonitions

and some things that are confusing to me - I will try and write about them and also share it with my therapist..

they just seem NOT GOOD.

In recent weeks I have been going through a lot of transition - plus it was my birthday on Sunday and during 

the month and days around the time of my birthday I tend to go a little wonky...perhaps I should just chock it

up to an intense time. It's hard for me to admit it - but the thoughts inspired by this time - including today

were the darkest of the dark - like 'my end is near.' But I don't feel like that now - at the present moment - 

admiting this, is grim - but I'll get on with my day.

The other issue has to do with a sense of opinionation I feel about a friend's life. I don't like that I am struggling

with a kind of lifestyle she's leading and it's not for me to say how anyone should live - but I don't get it -

and I wish I didn't feel mixed feelings. But there you go.. Total admission for today.

If you've read this far I really appreciate it. Things are good once again.

Sending peace and good mojo out to you guys!!

Mark