Spawn says I will die alone
Yes i am going to die alone because I am a bitch. I am a bitch because when she rolled her ass out of bed after a night of smoking weed the first thing she said was that she wanted to buy a Roku. She does a lot of shopping since she started working again. I suggested to use some of her money to pay her bills. That makes me a bitch. I am a bitch all of the time. I was told that last night too. Apparently she feels that since she is only 19 she shouldn't be expected to pay bills. To answer her question to why I am a bitch I tell her it is because I still pay her bills and she still makes messes.
I suppose i am a bitch. I resent the hell out of her and I don't forgive. She pushed the wrong buttons. maybe she felt it was going to give her power or some kind of control. All is did was cause me to pull away. I gave her so much time and patience and energy and she crapped on me. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having her. Not a day goes by that I don't feel ashamed of feeling that way. Not a day goes by that I don't feel bad about how I must make her feel.
I get tired of trying to hold all the anger in and then it spews out. I think maybe my feelings about the situation are justified but my reaction isn't. It's too late now. I have destroyed any possible relationship. I just want to be away from her. A couple of years ago I did my best to control my responses that I knew were inappropriate because I wanted to preserve our relationship. The relationship just degenerated over time. I feel used and betrayed. I feel she invalidates any concerns or feelings I have.
I don't like her because of her incredible selfishness. I have not seen her do anything for anyone for purely altruistic reasons sine she was a very young child. It makes me sad to realize that she is incapable of really caring about anyone other than herself. I don't even see her show concern or caring for her friend. Every thing she does "for" him is carefully measured and she expects payback.
Maybe I am not different. I gave her my energy, time, patience in hopes she would be successful and also hoped she would be appreciative. She isn't and she wasn't.
I'm not really feeling bad for myself. I am angry at myself. I am angry that I selfishly gave birth to a child I was incapable of raising. I am angry about being out of control of my feelings. I am tired.
I suppose i am a bitch. I resent the hell out of her and I don't forgive. She pushed the wrong buttons. maybe she felt it was going to give her power or some kind of control. All is did was cause me to pull away. I gave her so much time and patience and energy and she crapped on me. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having her. Not a day goes by that I don't feel ashamed of feeling that way. Not a day goes by that I don't feel bad about how I must make her feel.
I get tired of trying to hold all the anger in and then it spews out. I think maybe my feelings about the situation are justified but my reaction isn't. It's too late now. I have destroyed any possible relationship. I just want to be away from her. A couple of years ago I did my best to control my responses that I knew were inappropriate because I wanted to preserve our relationship. The relationship just degenerated over time. I feel used and betrayed. I feel she invalidates any concerns or feelings I have.
I don't like her because of her incredible selfishness. I have not seen her do anything for anyone for purely altruistic reasons sine she was a very young child. It makes me sad to realize that she is incapable of really caring about anyone other than herself. I don't even see her show concern or caring for her friend. Every thing she does "for" him is carefully measured and she expects payback.
Maybe I am not different. I gave her my energy, time, patience in hopes she would be successful and also hoped she would be appreciative. She isn't and she wasn't.
I'm not really feeling bad for myself. I am angry at myself. I am angry that I selfishly gave birth to a child I was incapable of raising. I am angry about being out of control of my feelings. I am tired.
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